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May 22, 2006

PETA Takes On Barbaric Middle East Practice

Finally, a left-leaning organization that's brave enough to take a stand against importing sheep from Australia.

Robert Langon was surprised that few people knew that the continent of Australia was located to the south of the China in a body of water those "in the know" referred to as the "Southern Pacific."

Australia was the glittering, high-tech headquarters of Opus Dei, the fanatically conservative Catholic group which had the crazy idea that God should be worshipped in manners other than blowing a load into a stranger in a white mask.

The continent of Australia had been designed by the engineers of Magarathea, and was impressive in its size. Sixty three million Washington Monuments would fit conformtably inside the spacious offices, which included the Sydney Complex, the Melbourne Complex, the Canberra Complex, and the multi-million-dollar Outback Gymnasium/Solarium. The continent/office building called Australia also featured a state-of-the-art wave-generation system perfect for surfing -- and thus, attracting new recruits to the faith through some truly tasty waves.

From his perch at the secret top floor of the Sydney Opera House, Biship Agrinossa tented his fingers in a way that slient-movie villains were given to doing. It's all coming together now, he thought, gripping his suitcase full of bearer bonds issued by the Vatican bank. I just need to get that Crocodile Hunter Guy to convert to Opus Dei Catholicism, and then, somehow, I will end up ruling the world.

He frowned with the sort of scowl that indicated annoyance. Perhaps he's not available, he thought. But maybe Paul Hogan might be. Or even--

He grinned to himself as his paused in his thoughts, which never really happens, but just go with it. Yessss, he thought to himself, actually thinking out that drawn-out sibilant like Gollum. If not the Crocodile Hunter or Paul Hogan, than Yahoo Serious will be the perfect dupe to lead Opus Dei into worldwide domination, he grinned. I know he was already grinning, but now he was grinning even more, like, you know, crazy-grinning.

Meanwile, in Shanghai, Silas the Albino Monk-Assassin rolled up a character in a fantasy roll-playing game, hoping to escape the pain and alienation of being an albino monk-assassin.

He rolled his ability scores and his background, and through pure chance, created a character who was, alas, also an Albino Monk-Assassin. Mother F---ker, he cursed to himself, not so much grinning as grimacing.

God is the ultimate Dungeon Master, he realized sadly, whose cunningly-crafted "adventure modules" we simply cannot escape. Then he went back to beating his testicles with a frozen scrod.

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posted by Ace at 04:41 PM

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