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May 07, 2006
Mike, We Hardly Knew YeWhich is for the best, I think. Reposting some Cool Facts About Mike: * Mike is dumber than a sack of retards. * Mike is known to have satisfied thousands of women, simply by never meeting them. "I'll never know what I missed out on," said one woman calling herself "Claire." "And I think it's better for both of us that way." * Mike still wonders why they built a near-identical version of the Statue of Liberty on The Planet of the Apes. He considers this a "continuity error" that almost ruins the film. "It just doesn't make sense," he says, "that Apes, who hate humans, would build a statue of a human. And it just strains credibility it looks so much like our own Statute of Liberty." He also doesn't understand why Darth Vader had to lie and shit about being Luke's father. * Mike is sexually aroused by Optimus Prime, and is certain he has a secret third transformation into the shape of a "Magic Hat" vibrator. * On Prom Night, Mike announced to his date that he wanted to "make love to [her] so badly..." He was true to his word, and, baffled by female sexual geography, wound up copulating with her armpit. * His date was his mentally-challenged first cousin Jennifer, or "Jemfahhh," as she calls herself. Her prom dress consisted of a burlap sack adorned with shiny red star-stickers and severed heads from her Strawberry Shortcake dolls who were "bad" that day, and needed to be "punished." * Mike was sexually confused by the rape scene in Deliverance as a young child, and to this day still sports (smallish) erections when he watches the Superman movies. When he orgasms, he's prone to cry out, "O.. o... o... OTISVILLE!" * Mike spends upwards of sixteen hours a day watching the knife-vendors on cable infomercials. He has a collection of three thousand "tactical folders" and Plasti-Grip Bowies, as well as the prize of his collection, a limited-edition replica three-bladed rocket-sword from The Sword and the Sorceror, signed by the film's star Lee Horsely's business manager Hiram Steinwitz. He's pretty sure that if "the shit ever goes down," he can do some "serious shit" with his Gilette Mach 3 version of a longsword. * Mike's favorite websites are the Daily Kos, Eschaton, Fire Dog Lake Blog, and SecretSausage.com. He posts on the first three as "Mike the Liberal Avenger" and on the last as "Curious in Poughkipsie." * Mike believes the Monkees left "clues" in their albums and shows that Peter Tork had been killed at one point and replaced by a double. "Last Train to Clarksville explains it all," he says confidently. "The 'train' is a conveyer belt, and 'Clarksville' is the crematorium at the Clarksville Funeral Home." He has detailed this theory on his own website -- PeterTorkIsDead.net -- as well as under the name "Curious in Poughkipsie" on SecretSausage.com. * When Mike plays D&D, he always wants to play a half-gnome, half-elf. 'Nuff said. * The closest Mike has ever come to a female gentalia was an art-history slide-show about Georgia O'Keefe. He found her paintings "chilling, like something out of an H.R. Geiger nightmare." More cool facts about Mike in the comments here and of course here. Because Lionel Ritchie Says It So Well: The "Goodbye Medley," which is just Say You, Say Me with special guest vocals by Pat O'Brien, Paul Anka, a cowbell, and the Lightning Bolt geek. Content warning. But I thought we should solemnize the occasion with a farewell song. [Actually, the goodbye theme proper starts at around 2:02 or 2:03. Before that is a long medley of Paul Anka songs.] [Thanks to See-Dubya for the mash-up.]
The magical moment should happen around 12:01 AM Eastern Time. Or thereabouts. | Recent Comments
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Quick Hits
Recycled Garbage: The Leftwing Identity-Politics Media Claims That Biden Never Said You Were Garbage and If He Did, That's Because You Are Tim Walz: I Competely Support Late Third-Term Abortions Of Course: The Democrat Lunatic Who Shouted "Alluha Akbar" As He Shot a Jewish Man on the Way to Synogogue Is a, Get This, Illegal Alien Allowed Into the Country in the Past 18 Months by Harris-Biden Supreme Court Overturns Hawaiian Judge's Insane Ruling -- Sought by the DOJ -- To Force Virginia to Put Illegal Alien Illegal Voters BACK on the Voting Rolls "The Only Garbage I See Floating Out There Are His Supporters:" Biden Goes Even Further Than "Deplorables" Wednesday Morning Rant Mid-Morning Art Thread The Morning Report 10/30/24 Daily Tech News 30 October Search
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The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Primary Document: The Audio
Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings) George Bush Slices Don Rumsfeld Like an F*ckin' Hammer Top Top Tens
Democratic Forays into Erotica New Shows On Gore's DNC/MTV Network Nicknames for Potatoes, By People Who Really Hate Potatoes Star Wars Euphemisms for Self-Abuse Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party" Signs Your Clown Has Gone Bad Signs That You, Geroge Michael, Should Probably Just Give It Up Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?" Signs that Paul Krugman Has Lost His Frickin' Mind All-Time Best NBA Players, According to Senator Robert Byrd Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore Examples of Bob Kerrey's Insufferable Racial Jackassery Signs Andy Rooney Is Going Senile Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance Collective Names for Groups of People John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive" Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments John Edwards Campaign Excuses John Kerry Pick-Up Lines Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney Torments in Dog-Hell Greatest Hitjobs
The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny More Margaret Cho Abuse Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed" Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means Wonkette's Stand-Up Act Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report! Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet The House of Love: Paul Krugman A Michael Moore Mystery (TM) The Dowd-O-Matic! Liberal Consistency and Other Myths Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate "Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long) The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) |