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January 28, 2006

Cool Facts About "Mike"

* Mike is dumber than a sack of retards.

* Mike is known to have satisfied thousands of women, simply by never meeting them. "I'll never know what I missed out on," said one woman calling herself "Claire." "And I think it's better for both of us that way."

* Mike still wonders why they built a near-identical version of the Statue of Liberty on The Planet of the Apes. He considers this a "continuity error" that almost ruins the film. "It just doesn't make sense," he says, "that Apes, who hate humans, would build a statue of a human. And it just strains credibility it looks so much like our own Statute of Liberty." He also doesn't understand why Darth Vader had to lie and shit about being Luke's father.

* Mike is sexually aroused by Optimus Prime, and is certain he has a secret third transformation into the shape of a "Magic Hat" vibrator.

* On Prom Night, Mike announced to his date that he wanted to "make love to [her] so badly..." He was true to his word, and, baffled by female sexual geography, wound up copulating with her armpit.

* His date was his mentally-challenged first cousin Jennifer, or "Jemfahhh," as she calls herself. Her prom dress consisted of a burlap sack adorned with shiny red star-stickers and severed heads from her Strawberry Shortcake dolls who were "bad" that day, and needed to be "punished."

* Mike was sexually confused by the rape scene in Deliverance as a young child, and to this day still sports (smallish) erections when he watches the Superman movies. When he orgasms, he's prone to cry out, "O.. o... o... OTISVILLE!"

* Mike spends upwards of sixteen hours a day watching the knife-vendors on cable infomercials. He has a collection of three thousand "tactical folders" and Plasti-Grip Bowies, as well as the prize of his collection, a limited-edition replica three-bladed rocket-sword from The Sword and the Sorceror, signed by the film's star Lee Horsely's business manager Hiram Steinwitz. He's pretty sure that if "the shit ever goes down," he can do some "serious shit" with his Gilette Mach 3 version of a longsword.

* Mike's favorite websites are the Daily Kos, Eschaton, Fire Dog Lake Blog, and SecretSausage.com. He posts on the first three as "Mike the Liberal Avenger" and on the last as "Curious in Poughkipsie."

* Mike believes the Monkees left "clues" in their albums and shows that Peter Tork had been killed at one point and replaced by a double. "Last Train to Clarksville explains it all," he says confidently. "The 'train' is a conveyer belt, and 'Clarksville' is the crematorium at the Clarksville Funeral Home." He has detailed this theory on his own website -- PeterTorkIsDead.net -- as well as under the name "Curious in Poughkipsie" on SecretSausage.com.

* When Mike plays D&D, he always wants to play a half-gnome, half-elf. 'Nuff said.

* The closest Mike has ever come to a female gentalia was an art-history slide-show about Georgia O'Keefe. He found her paintings "chilling, like something out of an H.R. Geiger nightmare."


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posted by Ace at 01:21 PM

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