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February 03, 2006

Julian Bond Takes On The Starbucks Fascistocracy

Barrista
Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

 


Julianbond
I'd like a large coffee, please.

 


Barrista
We don't have large, sir.

 


Julianbond
No large? What sort of Nazi establishment are you running here?


 


Barrista
It's just that we...

 


Julianbond
This is an outrage! You might as well replace that rather bizarre logo of yours with a swastika.

 


Barrista
Well, it's not that we don't have large coffees, we just don't call them 'large'.

 


Julianbond
I see, you're trying subjugate the black man by taking away his ability to communicate. Why, you're no more than the Taliban of gourmet coffee establishments.

 


Barrista
No, we just have our own names. We have tall...

 


Julianbond
That's what I want. I'll have a tall coffee.

 


Barrista
Actually, tall is small.

 


Julianbond
Tall is small? What kind of 1984 doublespeak is that?

 


Barrista
Then we have grande...

 


Julianbond
Well, I know from my interaction with my proud Hispanic brothers, from whom this country stole so much of what they now call the Southwestern United States, that grande is Spanish for big, so I'll have a grande.

 


Barrista
Well, grande is not large here at Starbucks.

 


Julianbond
I should have known. First you take their land, then you unilaterally change their language, thereby forcing them to...

 


Barrista
I'm sorry, sir, but we're very busy, so I need to know what you want, and if you want a Starbucks bonus card.

 


Julianbond
And just what exactly is a Starbucks bonus card? I suppose it's something you use to gather personal information on your unsuspecting customers so that you can help the fascist Bush administration spy on innocent citizens who may or may not be calling acquaintances in Kabul or Baghdad.

 


Barrista
No, sir, not at all. If you get a bonus card and buy five venti drinks - that's what we call large here; venti - we'll give you the sixth one free.

 


Julianbond
Free?

 


Barrista
Free.

 


Julianbond
Well, why didn't you say so? I'll have a triple venti no-foam soy latte with room.

 


Barrista
Right away, sir.

 


Julianbond
And give me one of those low-fat blueberry-apricot muffins, too. They look Nazi.

 


Barrista
What?

 


Julianbond
I mean yummy. Sorry, force of habit.

 


Barrista
OK, one triple venti no-foam say latte with room, and a low-fat blueberry-apricot muffin. That'll be $6.45...Out of twenty. Here's your change, and here's your bonus card.

 


Julianbond
Thanks. Have a Nazi day!

 


Barrista
You too, sir.

 


Barrista
Welcome to Starbucks, can I help you?

 


Hugochavez
Jes, three grande coffees, por favor.

 


Barrista
I should have called in sick.

 


Related: Dafydd delivers a smackdown that blisters like a hot Caramel Macchiato.

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posted by John From WuzzaDem at 12:13 AM

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