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February 03, 2006

Julian Bond Takes On The Starbucks Fascistocracy

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?


I'd like a large coffee, please.


We don't have large, sir.


No large? What sort of Nazi establishment are you running here?


It's just that we...


This is an outrage! You might as well replace that rather bizarre logo of yours with a swastika.


Well, it's not that we don't have large coffees, we just don't call them 'large'.


I see, you're trying subjugate the black man by taking away his ability to communicate. Why, you're no more than the Taliban of gourmet coffee establishments.


No, we just have our own names. We have tall...


That's what I want. I'll have a tall coffee.


Actually, tall is small.


Tall is small? What kind of 1984 doublespeak is that?


Then we have grande...


Well, I know from my interaction with my proud Hispanic brothers, from whom this country stole so much of what they now call the Southwestern United States, that grande is Spanish for big, so I'll have a grande.


Well, grande is not large here at Starbucks.


I should have known. First you take their land, then you unilaterally change their language, thereby forcing them to...


I'm sorry, sir, but we're very busy, so I need to know what you want, and if you want a Starbucks bonus card.


And just what exactly is a Starbucks bonus card? I suppose it's something you use to gather personal information on your unsuspecting customers so that you can help the fascist Bush administration spy on innocent citizens who may or may not be calling acquaintances in Kabul or Baghdad.


No, sir, not at all. If you get a bonus card and buy five venti drinks - that's what we call large here; venti - we'll give you the sixth one free.






Well, why didn't you say so? I'll have a triple venti no-foam soy latte with room.


Right away, sir.


And give me one of those low-fat blueberry-apricot muffins, too. They look Nazi.




I mean yummy. Sorry, force of habit.


OK, one triple venti no-foam say latte with room, and a low-fat blueberry-apricot muffin. That'll be $6.45...Out of twenty. Here's your change, and here's your bonus card.


Thanks. Have a Nazi day!


You too, sir.


Welcome to Starbucks, can I help you?


Jes, three grande coffees, por favor.


I should have called in sick.


Related: Dafydd delivers a smackdown that blisters like a hot Caramel Macchiato.

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