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January 06, 2006

Jon Stewart Will Host The Oscars

...and Dirty Centaurs/Fort Awesome has a sneak transcript (not really) of his opening monologue:

STEWART: Wow, thank you so much! It's so nice to be here hosting the Oscars, where the winners are decided by an unbiased count of votes. That makes it a democratic process, unlike some institutions!

(the audience laughs and titters, amazed at Stewart's cutting-edge boldness)

STEWART: I'm referring, of course, to George W Bush, who stole the last two elections! Ha!

(audience ROARS with laughter already. Camera closes in on Cameron Diaz, with uncontrollable tears streaming down her hideous face)

STEWART: Thank you, thank you. You know, it's up for Best Picture, but one of the more disappointing performances at the box office was the remake of "King Kong." I guess that no one in America was really interested in seeing a movie about a monkey, since we've already had five years of George W Bush!

(audience ROARS with laughter again. Camera zooms in on Jake Gyllenhaal, who is, rather comically, braying like a donkey)

STEWART: Because, you know, George W Bush looks really silly! Like a monkey!

(Laughter repeats. Focus on Leonardo DiCaprio, who has just now gotten the joke and tries to make up for it by laughing really hard)

And there's more, of course.

Man, that Jon Stewart. How does he come up with this stuff? He's so brave. I mean, you're sitting there thinking "Oh no way will he go there," and before you know it, he's not only there already, he's there -- with bells on.

The most courageous man in comedy. The only truth-teller reporting on the news today (according to Fox News Watch's idiot lefty Neal Gabler).

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posted by Ace at 02:01 PM

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