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December 13, 2005

Tuesday Timesuck: Deep Thoughts Exhibition

Not a contest, unless I can sucker Michael into judging it.

Everyone seemed to enjoy showing off their comedy chops for the Cool Facts about Dick Cheney thread, so I thought I'd try another similar thread.

If you don't know, "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" were a staple on Saturday Night Live during the Phil Hartman years. They're short gags, usually consisting of advice, observations, sci-fi speculations, "funny" ideas for jokes to play on your friends, or childhood memories, and all really, really f'n' stupid.

I cherry-picked this list for its funniest ones, listed below; a couple of the best ones were taken from this more extensive, but less reader-friendly, list.

So, if it strikes you as a good idea, try crafting your own Deep Thought.

Or don't. What do I care. No skin off my nose.


If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

...

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

...

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

...

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

...

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

...

When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.

...

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

...

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

...

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

...

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

...

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

...

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

...

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

...

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

...

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

...

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

...

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

...

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

...

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

...

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

...

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

...

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

...

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

...

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

...

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

...

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

And my favorite:

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Pretty tough to top those, but then I didn't think we could come up with so many Cool Facts About Dick Cheney, either.

Suggested by a comment by yls.

To get the ball rolling:

I'll never forget the summer I spent working with mentally-challenged kids. The one things those little rascals have is pure, total honesty. If they tell you your shirt "looks like poop," you should probably run right on over to the store and exchange it. And if they tell you you're a "fierce but sensuous lover," well, you can probably bank on that too.

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posted by Ace at 02:11 AM

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