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September 05, 2005

Sean Penn's Rescue Attempt As Retarded as I Am Sam

I stayed away from this story, because the headline suggested something nice about Sean Penn. Sure, it was embarassing that he failed, but at least he tried to rescue people, right?

But what's this?

Asked what he had hoped to achieve in the waterlogged city, the actor replied: "Whatever I can do to help."

With the boat loaded with members of Penn's entourage, including a personal photographer, one bystander taunted the actor: "How are you going to get any people in that thing?"

Who were you trying to help exactly, Sean? Did you imagine that anyone you rescued would be in dire need of new 8" x 10" headshots?

Let me guess: You brought your publicist, too, just in case a stranded, starving citizen needed to quickly put out a statement to the press. Right?

I'm really glad Sean Penn thought to bring Billy Zane. He'll come in handy. He was in Titanic, after all.

Top Ten Rescuers In Sean Penn's Dingy of Celebrity Mercy

10. Steffan, his personal photographer and master navigator

9. Suzie, publicist and world-renown expert on heat-stroke and exposure

8. Nicholas, Penn's personal nutritionist, who can revive people from a starvation-induced coma with his secret egg-white-omlette-and-strawberries recipe

7. Gunther, his personal trainer, master of eight styles of Okinawan and Indian martial arts (for crowd control and breaking up riots, of course)

6. Steve Hershberg, an entertainment lawyer and ex-SEAL with expertise in contract renegoatiations and underwater operations

5. Dr. Trent Conyers, "The Good Samaritan Plastic Surgeon," who does pro bono work giving botox injections to the dead so that they look totally hot at the viewing

4. Jenny, his personal assistant, capable of fashioning life-saving flotation devices out of her enormous rolodex

3. Margaret Cho, who just stowed away on the boat, hoping that someone in Hollywood would finally notice her

2. Naomi, hair-and-makeup girl by day, daredevil storm-chaser by night

...and the Number One rescuer in Sean Penn's dingy of celebrity mercy...

1. Sean Penn himself, secretly gifted with the superhuman strength and speed, who plans to bail out the entire city of New Orleans with his trusty plastic cup, which he dubs "The Red Avenger"

Related: Eject! Eject! Eject! on tribes, with a nice shot at Sean "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille" Penn.

Still More: Phunny photoshop by California Conservative.

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posted by Ace at 12:10 PM

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