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March 23, 2005

The American Idol Judges Evaluate Canada's Post-War Foreign Policy and Economic Performance

With apologies to Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom; I'm sort of poaching his schtick:

RANDY: Yo yo yo, dog. You feelin' it, dog?

CANADA: Yeah.

RANDY: How do you think you did, dog? A little nervous?

CANADA: At first, I guess, eh?

RANDY: Ooooooh. I don't know, man. I don't know. I sort of liked it when you contributed troops to Afghanistan, all nine of them, but your whole performance was a little rough for me. I mean, you tried to work it out but I don't know. It was just a little rough for me, dog. But it was t a'right. It was a'right, it was just a'right.

CANADA: Umm... thank you.

PAULA: First of all, you look beautiful, Canada. I really like the Wayne Gretzy jersey and the Bryan Adams jacket from the Summer of '69 video.

CANADA: Thanks. But this is all I own. Well, except my parka and my ice-fishin' gloves.

PAULA: Ahhhh... I don't know. I'm going to have to agree with Randy. Not a strong performance. A little pitchy in places, especially with regard to not being able to move your troops around the world without America giving you a lift.

But you know what? You know who you are -- sort of a mousy wallflower with not much interesting to say-- and you own that. You really seem to know who you are, even if no one else does. And I think that's so brave of you. It really colors up your performance.

SIMON: Whatever that means.

PAULA: Oh, shut up Simon.

SIMON: Eat me, Paula.

AUDIENCE: Booooo....

SIMON: No, I'm being serious. I want you to eat me, Paula, after the show. Or else I'll make one phone call and replace you with Stacey Q. She can't be half the useless twit that you are.

But you know what your problem is, Canada?

I've been thinking about this. Well, I haven't been thinking much about it, to be honest, but I had to do something while Paula was burbling on like a retard on Red Bull. Your problem is that you're just missing something. And by "something," I mean a respectable military, a thriving economy, a sense of national purpose, and, quite frankly, any real reason to go on living as a nation.

PAULA: Ohhh, Simon...

SIMON: Excuse me Paula, but you're an imbecile. No one watches this show for you. Go make another video with a cartoon cat.

In other words, Canada, you're missing that... that "It Factor." The sort of "It Factor" that other countries have, countries like Licthtenstein, Andorra, and whatever the hell they're calling Burma now. Something that sets you out from the crowd.

CANADA: I can work on that...

SIMON: With all due respect, I don't think you can. If I'm being honest, watching your post-war foreign policy and economic performance is like watching bad caberet on a Carnival Cruise ship where everyone's come down with a bad case of diverticulits.

RANDY: You say that every week.

SIMON: I change the disease on occasion. But watching you... well, it's a bit like watching two Canadians having sex. There's no joy, no passion, nothing really interesting going on, and both parties seem to be glancing at the TV waiting for a re-run of Kids in the Hall to take their minds off the tedium.

CANADA: (squealing with excitement) Kids in the Hall! That's one of our shows! That's Canadian, eh?!

SIMON: Yes it is. Yes it is. And it's a bit like a metrosexual MAD TV, except not as compelling.

MR. PAUL ANKA (Special Guest Judge): You have no heart, no integrity, no conscious [sic]... if you're not going to bring the sort of enthusiasm I still have for this, then we'll finish up the tour and part ways. You have three days to get this loose shit straightend out. One week!


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posted by Ace at 04:56 PM

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