2) I'm told by my friend Stinky that you're somewhere to the north of America. But I all I see on my maps is a rather poorly-thought-out landmass of islands and ice that seems to just be the southerly part of the North Pole. Can you assist me?

3) I'm sorry, but while you were answering that last question I put on a gameshow on Telemundo where chesty Latina girls jump up and down whenever a question is answered right. Or wrong. I don't know. I don't speak Spanish. So could you repeat your last answer?

And a follow-up: Do you speak Spanish? Because this one girl on the show keeps saying something that seems dirty because the audience keeps "ooooh-ing" everytime she opens her mouth, and I'd sure like to know what sort of filth is pouring out of her.

4) I seem to remember from middle-school that we sort of fought a war with you at one time. Two questions:

a) Did you actually invade America and take American territory hostage?

b) And, if so: Did we notice?

5) I'm sorry to ask this again, but you are...?

6) I was just talking with my friend Stinky about Canada. Well, that's not true. I don't think I've ever talked about Canada with anybody. But me and Stinky were at a bar doing shots of Zima and we heard this other feller down the bar say that Canada doesn't even really exist, that it's a "paper country" established by lawyers for the NHL to evade NCAA rules against recruiting 17-year-olds into professional sports. Is this true? Because, if it is, it would be somewhat interesting, and then you'd have that going for you at least.

7) A four part question:

a) Why do you have the beliefs you do about America?

b) What are those beliefs? I really have no idea. I just heard of you a week ago.

c) Why do you believe I should give a rat's red raw ass about your beliefs? Please defend your answer with evidence and examples drawn from your coursework and/or outside reading. Neatness counts.

d) When I want to know your opinion about America, I'll figure out what that opinion should be, write it down on a piece of paper, wrap it around my cock, and stick it up your ass for you. How's that soundin' to ya aboot now, eh?

8) Okay, I think I know who you are now. Did you play Carmine on Laverne & Shirley? Or was that someone else?

9) When you talk to people at parties, you find them frequently saying "I'll just be right back after I talk to this guy" or "See you in a bit, I need a new beer," despite the fact that they seem to be holding a full beer. These people never seem to come back to finish the conversation. Why do you suppose that is?