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December 09, 2004

Kit Lets Americans Play "Canadians" When Traveling Abroad

They say it's a gag gift, but it sounds serious to me:

Ready to trade that Yo for an Eh?

There are those who insist that smart American travelers should stow their Yankee identity and simply pretend they're Canadians to ensure safe passage overseas.

New Mexico-based T-Shirt King, in fact, is offering a "Going Canadian" kit for $25 that includes a T-shirt emblazoned with the Canadian flag and the phrase "O Canada," a matching maple leaf patch for luggage, a window sticker, lapel pin and a little guide called "How to Speak Canadian, Eh?"

Top Ten Ways To Convince a Stranger You're Actually Canadian

10. When you meet someone, attempt to make absolutely no lasting impression whatsoever; if he can remember your name or face after five minutes, you've given yourself away as a non-Canadian

9. Cultivate interests in Anne Murray, ice-fishing, and slowly going murderously insane during the eternal subarctic winter

8. Practice useful Canadian phrases, like "Let America handle it" and "What I think doesn't matter"

7. Do the research necessary to confidently explain why the Canadian Football League has only eight teams, and two of them are named the Rough-Riders

6. If you see a mouse, immediately leap upon the nearest table or desk while shrieking girlishly; if you are a girl, you must fall to the ground and feign a full-on conniption fit

5. Try to get into the mindset of living your life as an insignificant ice-peon of an irrelevant frostberg

4. As Canadians are painfully aware that the world regards them as shiftless ice-backs living in a no-account snow-ghetto, they are always embarassingly overexcited that anyone outside of Canada knows anything at all about their country; so practice squealing in delight when someone is able to name the capital of Canada, or any city in Canada, or the first name of at least one of the MacKenzie brothers

3. Simply pose as Canadian singer Gordon Lightfoot; don't worry about people challenging you, as no one knows who the hell he is anyway

2. Carry no religious articles on your person whatsoever, except perhaps a small devotional tryptych of Wayne Gretzky holding aloft the 1982 Stanley Cup

...and the Number One Way To Convince a Stranger You're Actually Canadian...

1. Practice the nuances and complexities of Canadian etiquette; for example, if someone embarasses himself at a party by divulging painfully personal information, attempt to make him feel less uncomfortable by immediately slashing your military budget by 40%

But This Isn't a Hate-Site Update: Apologies to my Communist friends to the North. But come on, a lot of your countrymen deserve it.

You're Canadians, after all. You must have developed a sense of humor about yoursleves by now.

How else could you live with yourselves?

Gonzo Republican Update: The Rightwing Nuthouse reminds us of a classic PJ O'Rourke analogy regarding the relationship between America and the rest of the world.

Nuthouse calls it "simplistic." I say it's dead-on. Call me a moron, but I think most things in life can be explained via the analogy of high-school politics.

No one ever gets over it. No one.


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posted by Ace at 02:10 AM

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