Hugh Hewitt: Stick a Site Meter on Legacy Media | Main | As CBSNews Uses Left-Wing Bloggers To Promote Its Agenda, Accuses Republicans of Using Right-Wing Bloggers To Do the Same
December 09, 2004

Kit Lets Americans Play "Canadians" When Traveling Abroad

They say it's a gag gift, but it sounds serious to me:

Ready to trade that Yo for an Eh?

There are those who insist that smart American travelers should stow their Yankee identity and simply pretend they're Canadians to ensure safe passage overseas.

New Mexico-based T-Shirt King, in fact, is offering a "Going Canadian" kit for $25 that includes a T-shirt emblazoned with the Canadian flag and the phrase "O Canada," a matching maple leaf patch for luggage, a window sticker, lapel pin and a little guide called "How to Speak Canadian, Eh?"

Top Ten Ways To Convince a Stranger You're Actually Canadian

10. When you meet someone, attempt to make absolutely no lasting impression whatsoever; if he can remember your name or face after five minutes, you've given yourself away as a non-Canadian

9. Cultivate interests in Anne Murray, ice-fishing, and slowly going murderously insane during the eternal subarctic winter

8. Practice useful Canadian phrases, like "Let America handle it" and "What I think doesn't matter"

7. Do the research necessary to confidently explain why the Canadian Football League has only eight teams, and two of them are named the Rough-Riders

6. If you see a mouse, immediately leap upon the nearest table or desk while shrieking girlishly; if you are a girl, you must fall to the ground and feign a full-on conniption fit

5. Try to get into the mindset of living your life as an insignificant ice-peon of an irrelevant frostberg

4. As Canadians are painfully aware that the world regards them as shiftless ice-backs living in a no-account snow-ghetto, they are always embarassingly overexcited that anyone outside of Canada knows anything at all about their country; so practice squealing in delight when someone is able to name the capital of Canada, or any city in Canada, or the first name of at least one of the MacKenzie brothers

3. Simply pose as Canadian singer Gordon Lightfoot; don't worry about people challenging you, as no one knows who the hell he is anyway

2. Carry no religious articles on your person whatsoever, except perhaps a small devotional tryptych of Wayne Gretzky holding aloft the 1982 Stanley Cup

...and the Number One Way To Convince a Stranger You're Actually Canadian...

1. Practice the nuances and complexities of Canadian etiquette; for example, if someone embarasses himself at a party by divulging painfully personal information, attempt to make him feel less uncomfortable by immediately slashing your military budget by 40%

But This Isn't a Hate-Site Update: Apologies to my Communist friends to the North. But come on, a lot of your countrymen deserve it.

You're Canadians, after all. You must have developed a sense of humor about yoursleves by now.

How else could you live with yourselves?

Gonzo Republican Update: The Rightwing Nuthouse reminds us of a classic PJ O'Rourke analogy regarding the relationship between America and the rest of the world.

Nuthouse calls it "simplistic." I say it's dead-on. Call me a moron, but I think most things in life can be explained via the analogy of high-school politics.

No one ever gets over it. No one.


digg this
posted by Ace at 02:10 AM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
girl in Magnum intro learning to snorkel- currently represented by Gloria Allred: "Tom Selleck looked lasciviously at my butt. My but ..."

runner: "@423 I ....don't know what to say.... ..."

ALH: "1st ..."

Tonypete: "Wow! What a cookbook. I am overwhelmed by the ..."

publius, the Persistent Poperin Pear: " Oh, yes, Bogie and Cary Grant are up there. ..."

Beltway Elite: "Magnum P.I. is still fantastic.  The dog is a ..."

Yor, the Hunter from the Future: "Choose one (1). You don't get to pose as heroes wo ..."

Hadrian the Seventh: " Alors, le nood. ..."

Roc Ingersol : "Posted by: Aetius451AD Work Laptop at December 11, ..."

ALH: "Evening, Horde! Nice ONT, MisHum. Is that glass of ..."

mrp, the gauche American: "Once upon a time, my Dad returned home from a Euro ..."

Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Booking Agent, Aero Pinochet: "436. Because he hung out with Peter Lorre. ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64