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How They Killed the Filibuster in the House of Representatives | Main | Chimp Attack Update: "He Was Trying To Reason With Them"
March 07, 2005

Al Qaeda's Secret Plan For World Domination: Kidnap Russell Crowe

Sure, he's a good actor, and I've liked him since I first saw him as "Court" in The Quick and the Dead.

But... I don't know... I'm not sure the kidnapping of Russell Crowe would have nearly the same effect on American morale as, say, Jeff Gannon losing his White House press credentials.

If they really want to shake American civilation to its very foundations, they ought to go after someone really important to us, like, oh, just throwing out names here, Keanu Reeves, Ethan Hawke, Steven Dorff, and/or Willie Aames.

It's weird how these people think.

The Oscar winning actor was first contacted by the FBI in 2001 and warned of the threat, according to GQ Magazine.

The FBI approach was made in the months before Crowe's Oscar win for Gladiator.

"That was the first (time) I'd ever heard the phrase al-Qaeda," Crowe said.

"It was about -- and here's another little touch of irony -- taking iconographic Americans out of the picture as sort of a cultural destabilisation plot."

A Message From Al Qaeda

Surrender, America, or we will kidnap all your great actors, like Sean Connery, Gerard Depardieu, Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan, and that little bald-headed guy from The Benny Hill Show.

Crowe was protected by the FBI on subsequent film shoots and industry engagements such as the Golden Globe awards.


"I never fully understood what the fuck was going on," he said.

Here's my working theory: Al Qaeda consists chiefly of drooling Islamoretards.

Top Ten Likely American Reactions to the Kidnapping of Russell Crowe

10. "Oh God, no... how on earth can I carry on without hearing about Russell Crowe banging all these chicks I could never get!?"

9. "Curse those evildoers! And this comes just as Crowe's band, '30 Odd Foot of Grunts,' is about to break huge, baby!"

8. "I guess this means that I'll never get to see the long-awaited sequel to The Insider, The Insider II: Double Exposure"

7. "For God's sake, he was just a young man! He had years of bar-fights and papparazzi-slapping left in him!"

6. "I'm not sure I can carry on without the man who brought such nuance and craft to his performance as SID 6.7 in Virtuosity, easily the best the virtual-reality movie since Lawnmower Man 2."

5. "

digg this
posted by Ace at 05:07 PM

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