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February 11, 2005

The Day After Hope Died: Day One Of a World Without Jeff Gannon

I'm sorry for the late start. But I, like many of you I'm sure, have been busy picking up the broken pieces of my shattered life.

Will I find the strength to blog on, knowing that Jeff Gannon is no longer in the White House press room? Only time will tell, my friends. Time, and a lot of Val-U-Rite discount vodka.

It reminds me of something Jeff Gannon once said to me. I said, "Jeff Gannon, sometimes my life has been in terrible disarray, and I've gone walking on the beach, and I've seen only one set of footprints. And yet you said you'd always be there for me. So where were you, Jeff Gannon?"

"That wasn't me," Jeff Gannon told me. "I think you're thinking of Jesus. Or, rather, you're thinking of the inspirational plaque about Jesus hanging directly behind you, on the wall of your office."

"Don't give me your Jeff Gannon double-talk," I said. "So you said you'd be there for me, and yet, only one set of footprints. What's up with that, Jeff Gannon? Why did you abandon me in my time of need, especially because I was on the beach, and I know how much you like to get a good tan?"

Jeff Gannon sighed with exasperation. He began reading off something hanging on my wall. I didn't bother to look at what it was, because I was too busy staring intently at him, like a mental patient. "The reason there was only one set of footprints," he said with some annoyance, "is that I was carrying you during that time."

"Oooh, SNAP!" I exclaimed. "You can turn invisible 'n shit, Jeff Gannon?!"

He hanged his head with weariness. "Yeah. I can do that, sure. I can turn 'invisible 'n shit.'"

"Day-yamn!" I said, and then began doodling a devotional portrait of Jeff Gannon, with a caption reading "JEFF GANNON-- GREATEST GUY WHO EVER LIVED AND MY BESTEST BUDDY -- HE TURNS INVISIBLE AND CARRIES PEOPLE AROUND ON THE BEACH."

So, that's what I'll remember about Jeff Gannon.

How about you?

Update: Someone calling himself Jeff Gannon -- most likely as an homage, as in "I am Spartacus!" "No, I am Spartacus!" etc. -- writes in some inspirational words:

Ace...sometime, when the team is up against it -- and the breaks are beating the boys -- tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gannon.

I don't know where I'll be then, Ace, but if you do that--and I have some classy lighting, body oil, and tented briefs--I'll be happy.

Ray Midge Counsels "Courage":

People... PEOPLE!

Now is not the time for reflection or maudlin sentiments! Do you think if Gannon was still here, he'd be all blubberin like this?

We don't have the time. We need a plan. We need orgainization!

First of all, STAY OFF THE INTERSTATES! Those are going be parking lots as word gets out and the cities evacuate. You'll be sitting ducks out there.

We'll need a rendezvous point, somewhere in the hills. Somewhere near caves and a steady supply of fresh water....

Strong words. Strong, well-nigh incomprehensible words.

The Photoshopping Begins: Fat Kid is obviously inconsolable over this tragedy.

The Comments Are Hi-Larious: Make sure you read them. Ray Midge is providing frequent updates on the Gannonite resistance. The Warden explains that we'll be able to survive, although it might involve some unnatural acts in bus station men's rooms.

Which, quite frankly, sounds like a win-win scenario to me.

Hope is not yet lost.

WOLVERINES!


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posted by Ace at 12:55 PM

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