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"The GINORMOUS Jeff Gannon Scandal Is BREAKING HARD..." | Main | The Day After Hope Died: Day One Of a World Without Jeff Gannon
February 10, 2005

Top Ten Conservative Reactions to the News That They "Got" Jeff Gannon

10. "No! Oh my dear sweet God, no!"

9. "Surely you must have mis-heard! You couldn't possibly mean the Jeff Gannon!"

8. "Oh the humanity!"

7. "This is sadder than that story of that little girl forced to live in an attic in Nazi-occupied Amsterdam."*

6. "My Beloved Wife, I apologize for taking the coward's way out. But I fear I cannot go on living in a world in which Jeff Gannon doesn't have White House press credentials. PS, I'm sorry, but if I'm going to hang myself in the garage, I might as well be masturbating while I do it. Try to keep the kids away until you've cleaned things up."

5. "We've fought and fought for a conservative majority, and just when we think we've finally broken through... THEY TAKE JEFF GANNON FROM US! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, THEY TOOK JEFF GANNON!"

4. "Well, that's it for me. I'm moving to Canada."

3. "This is like when they killed JFK, and RFK, and Martin Luther King, and John Lennon, all rolled into one, except it's even worse, because it's JEFF FUCKING GANNON!"

2. "J-J-J-eff G-G-G-annon? Are you sure?" (seizing your lapels) "MY GOD MAN, ARE YOU SURE?!!"

...and the Number One Conservative Reaction To the News That They "Got" Jeff Gannon...

1. "Errrmm... Jeff who, now?"

A Chill Wind Stifling Dissent Update! Prof. Shade pre-emptively comes clean and makes a full disclosure before the Internet Detectives at the Daily Kos can out him.

Okay, before this goes any further--

Lynne Stewart?

Yeah, I tapped that.

The Real Mystery...

...is how the bassist from Right Said Fred got into journalism.

There's your Pulitzer, baby. Just waitin' for the takin'.

*Credit Where Credit's Due: "That little girl forced to live in an attic" line swiped from Ari.


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