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February 10, 2005

Top Ten Comparisons Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill

10. Tonto's family totem includes the eagle, bear, and Trickster Coyote; Ward Churchill has no family totem, but his mantle does proudly display a signed photograph of Dick Cavett

9. Tonto rides a chestnut Appaloosa he calls "Scout;" Ward Churchill rides a teal Volvo S40 he calls "deductible business expense"

8. Tonto is an expert tracker with an unerring sense of direction; Ward Churchill knows the locations of all Starbucks in the greater Boulder area

7. Tonto has committed his life to fighting injustice and the villainy of Butch Cavendish; Ward Churchill has committed his life to getting that corner office currently held by a "technocratic cryptofascist" named Samuel Kornbluth, Professor of Ancient Languages

6. Tonto is an expert warrior with the bow and tomahawk; Ward Churchill "gives great memo"

5. Once per year, Tonto ingests a large quantity of peyote and psychoactive mushrooms to execute what he calls a "Vision Quest;" Ward Churchill, the same, except he calls this "every Thursday Night after the faculty meeting"

4. Tonto wears little except a loincloth and warpaint; Ward Churchill favors the "warrior skins" he bought at Banana Republic and Chess King

3. Tonto can tell the time of day, within ten minutes, by simply looking at the sun or stars; Ward Churchill can do the same, except the stars always tell him it's August 27th, 1968

2. Tonto favors the appellation "Kimosabe," meaning "Longtime Friend;" Ward Churchill is fond of "Little Eichmanns," which he now claims means "really nice and cool people who didn't deserve to die at all, and I'm not just saying that to keep my cushy paper-pushing job"

...and the Number One Comparison Between Tonto and the "American Indian" Ward Churchill...

1. There is no evidence that an Indian named Tonto ever existed; the same for the "Indian" Ward Churchill

Hat Tip to My Readers: A lot of readers have sent me tips about the fraudulence of Churchill's claims of Indian ancestry. I ignored those tips, figuring that we were just arguing over whether he was one-sixteenth Cherokee or one-thirty-second. Until reading Ann Coulter's column, and catching the remarks of a CU Law Professor on O'Reilly last night, I didn't know that there was absolutely no evidence that Churchill has any Indian heritage whatsoever, and in fact no Indian tribes will recognize him for that reason.

So his entire career -- and his persona, and his con-artist schtick -- is built on a lie.

Sorry I didn't jump on this earlier.

Loose Shit Update: I incorrectly called Tonto's horse "Smoke," when of course it was "Scout." I think Butch Cavendish's horse was Smoke.

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posted by Ace at 11:59 AM

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