French Kidnap Victim: Terrorists Not Motivated By Iraqi Nationalism, But By Bin Ladin Jihadism | Main | Rumors of George Bush's Defeat Were Greatly Exaggerated
December 25, 2004

'Tis the Season for Re-Posting

Sorry, Christmas is always a slow news day, you know? Can't hurt to repost this yet again. (Or... can it?)

Top Ten Mandated Changes to Make Christianity More Politically Correct and "Inclusive"

10. "Christian fish" logos must be certified by the EPA as dolphin-safe

9. Key lyric of Norman Greenbaum's hippie-Christian anthem, Spirit in the Sky, changed from "I've got a friend in Jesus" to less-divisive "I've got a friend in Walter"

8. Good Friday officially renamed "Passable Friday;" Ash Wednesday officially renamed "the Day Before Thursday"

7. Placards displaying "John 3:16" outlawed at sporting events; spectators wishing to display their spiritual beliefs may substitute oversized foam-finger bearing the corporate slogan "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!"

6. The requirement that an actual belief in Christ is required to be a Christian ruled discriminatory; churches must offer alternative methods of qualification, such as "celebrating the magical joy of a baby's smile" or "just sitting in the park, thinking about Nature and shit"

5. Christ's words are modified to make them less "harsh" and "hostile" to non-believers; "I am the Way and the Light" changed to "I am the Way and the Light, if you believe in that kind of thing, and assuming that's your bag"

4. By government fiat, Christian Heaven becomes history's first open-enrollment paradise; no particular belief system is required for entry, but applicants must have either a high-school diploma or eight weeks of N.E.A.-approved adult education (in cooking, basic automotive maintenance, or modern Spanish flamenco guitar)

3. Common name "Christopher" -- from the Latin for "Christ-Bearer" -- declared intolerant and offensive; by court order, all men named Christopher have their first names immediately changed to "Mitch" (also acceptable: Walter; see Number 9 above)

2. New Testament rewritten to delete references to Caiaphas and other Jewish priests; henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die Hard

...and the Number One Mandated Change to Make Christianity More Politically-Correct and "Inclusive"...

1. Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santie Clause, and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (a.k.a., "The Spirit of Diversity")

Correction: Norman Greenbaum, not "Martin," as I keep writing.


digg this
posted by Ace at 04:23 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Bitter Clinger and All That (Back from the Dead): "Posted by: GnuBreed at October 24, 2017 07:13 AM ..."

sock_rat_eez, we are being gaslighted 24/7[/i][/b][/u][/s]: "We have canned crabapples in spiced sugar syrup an ..."

GnuBreed [/i] [/b]: "[i]Anything with thorns I figure escaped from HELL ..."

Skandia Recluse: "Apparently crabapples are edible, but very tart, s ..."

GnuBreed [/i] [/b]: "Apparently crabapples are edible, but very tart, s ..."

BignJames: "Any sightings of Lady in Black? Very destructive t ..."

Bitter Clinger and All That (Back from the Dead): "Posted by: Skandia Recluse at October 24, 2017 07: ..."

Bitter Clinger and All That (Back from the Dead): "I wish I had a job. I miss the interaction with pe ..."

FenelonSpoke: "I don't know that the SATs are that important any ..."

Skandia Recluse: "That's why they're crabby. -------------- And ..."

Bitter Clinger and All That (Back from the Dead): "Posted by: Mary Poppins' Practically Perfect Pierc ..."

Skandia Recluse: "If work was fun, they wouldn't have to pay anyone ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64