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December 17, 2004

I Love The Posts I Wrote Three Days Ago!

Here's another thing I don't get:

You know the gagillion shows now running on E! and VH-1 where they show something from pop culture and then some nitwit comments on it?

Few questions:

1) Who the fuck are these people? I swear to God, some of these people are even more nobodies than I am.

First of all, half of them seem to be from some magazine called "Blender" which I never fucking heard of. I don't know what "Blender" is; I imagine it's some sort of gay soft-core stroke-mag showing naked college boys seductively using kitchen appliances.

Are half of them from Blender, or is it the same unfunny chick with the Lisa Loeb "You Say" smartie-glasses over and over and over again?

She's so fucking non-memorable in terms of looks and wit I have no idea if it's the same girl or there's like a whole Terminator production line of useless marginally-attractive unfunny "No, no, negative" bore-clones.

2) Why are none of them funny? And why do the unfunniest ones have the job description "comedian" listed under their stupid fucking faces? Instead of saying they're "comedians," I think a Chyron should just run under their yammering idiot-mouths saying "Don't worry; I don't know who the fuck I am either."

3) Who, precisely, decided to give "Ant" from Last Comic Standing a career, and isn't this a violation of some provision of the Patriot Act? It certainly can't be good for troop morale, and undoubtedly it provides "material comfort" to our terrorist enemies.

4) Why is the lead singer from Skid Row on every fucking one of these shows? Does his agent specialize in sarcastic-wisecrack pop-culture clip-shows? Can't he like, I don't know, once in a while maybe sign autographs at a KISS convention?

Look, apparently Sebastian Fucking Bach has a lot of fucking opinions about Pop Rocks and the replacement "cousins" from The Dukes of Hazzard, but why would he imagine I care to to know them?

Seriously, "Sebastian": When C.C. DeVille from Poison seems to have more shame and integrity than you do, it's time to start thinking about making some course-corrections in your life.

It just angers me.

I think I could get together with my best buddies Stubby and Stinky Pete and do a much better Remember Last Week? show than these buffoons.

Actually, I think what I'd do is a show called Remember Our Last Show?, in which each new show is actually just some clips of us making snide comments from the previous show, but then we comment upon our previous snide comments in a glib, sarcastic way. Near the end of each show we might have a segment called Remember Twenty Minutes Ago?, where we'd comment on the earlier comments in that very show.

It's all very meta and very Charlie Kauffman. I'm hoping to win a Peabody.

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posted by Ace at 06:02 PM

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