Barbara Streisand's Top Ten Explanations For Kerry's Loss

by the unofficial shadow staff of Ace of Spades HQ

"This reign of witches will pass"

10. Exit polls show that Elves went big for Nader (Alex)

9. Bush's Flying Monkeys surpisingly effective at getting out the vote (suggested by Frank Villon)

8. One word: Cheneymania (Senator PhilABuster)

7. Damn Republicans kept making their saving throws against Media Bias
(Blacknimbus, Jimmie, Bbeck were all on the same track)

6. In the house of R'yleh, Dead Cthulhu lies sleeping, except when he mans the phones for the Iowa Republican Party (Jimmie)

5. James Carville, busy with his Crossfire gig, couldn't get down to the bayou and work a little cornpone voodoo (BlueDevils)

4. JoBu did not answer our chickenbone prayer. Fuck JoBu. (RD Brewer)

3. Stupid American voters couldn't grasp the subtle political arguments contained in Papa, Can You Hear Me? (suggested by Alex)

2. Opening speakers of Republican convention -- Smurf-Archenemy Gargamel and Pinhead from Hellraiser -- really "connected" with public (Ace)

... and the Number One Barbra Streisand Explanation for Kerry's Loss...

1. Public simply had no confidence in Kerry's constantly-evolving, multiple-position nuance; in D&D terms, they decided to stick with the +3 Holy Avenger that is George Bush, rather than the Dick of Many Things that is John Kerry* (Ace)

* Why only +3 and not +5? Two reasons: One, we haven't taken out Fallujah yet. But more importantly: I don't run a Monty Haul campaign.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. I hope no one's too disappointed to not see their contribution on the list; there are only ten slots, and sometimes one joke is too similar in subject matter to another.

Geek Overload Update! Well, due to the premise I offered, and then the selections I made, I think I've just about constructed the most geeky damn post ever seen on this site, and that says an awful lot, given how all of this nonsense started.

My God. I'm looking at what I've become and my heart is sinking.

Did I never play outside as a child? Had I no friends at all?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop into the garage and hang myself for a little while. See you tomorrow.

Maybe.

posted by Ace at 04:23 AM

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