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November 08, 2004

Top Ten Cool Things About the New 30,000 Pound Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP)

10. Massive speakers arrayed on midline of bomb blare Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road as it falls, partly as psy-ops against the target, but mostly to piss off Bruce Springsteen

9. Entire cost of researching bomb culled from redactions in the budget of the State Department's International Commission on "Why Do They Hate Us?"

8. First of a new series of bombs ranked somewhere between conventional and nuclear weapons; category tentatively termed "nuclear-ish"

7. Former Congressman Bob Dornan just had a toe-curling forty-six minute orgasm (bless his heart)

6. The announcement of the weapon just gave these guys an idea for a wicked-awesome new stunt

5. Special "Eco-safe" technology guarantees that no trees or squirrels will be harmed by the bomb's detonation (assuming trees and squirrels heed the twenty minute evacuation warning, and use their time wisely)

4. Finally puts an end to the age-old question of whose kung-fu is the most superior

3. High-tech verbal-parsing technology gives the bomb the capability of announcing itself using Chevy Chase's old "Landshark" bit; bomb will claim to be a "candygram" just before detonation

2. You put one of these suckers inside a frog and, well, forget about it

...and the Number One Cool Thing About the New 30,000 Pound Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP)...

1. In an effort to seem more sensitive to the concerns of enemy terrorist murderers, the bombs will not be painted with testerone-fueled tauntings, as most other bombs are; instead, weapons will carry the time-tested message of reassurance, "It's not you... it's me"

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posted by Ace at 07:02 PM

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