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September 17, 2004

Best of: Top Ten Signs That Dan Rather Has Gone Senile

10. Says that he invented spicy Chinese chicken-and-broccoli dish; has filed an infringement lawsuit against famed military leader/cooking enthusiast General Tso

9. Keeps insisting his "maid is stealing from" him, which is doubly embarassing, because 1) she's not stealing from him and 2) she's not his maid, she's Big Brother hostess Julie Chen

8. Claims that he leaves on his car's left-turn indicator for weeks at a time "as an act of political dissent"

7. Won't stop pitching his idea for an Apprentice-inspired reality television show called "The Geriatric Nurse;" has already trademarked the show's catch-phrase, "I made a stinky; come wipe me"

6. Has begun screaming "Get out of my yard!" to squirrels; also occasionally yells this at trees

5. Keeps angering Ed Bradley by telling him, "Back in my day, guys who wore earrings were trying to tell you something, and it wasn't 'God Save the Queen'"

4. Just accepted an invitation to join Senator Robert Byrd for a weekend of fishin', huntin', and Klannin'

3. Whenever Leslie Stahl walks by his office, embarasses her by shouting out "Man, I gots to get me some of that!"

2. Last year's personalized Christmas cards featured a creepy picture of a bound-and-gagged woman with the strange inscription, It puts the lotion in the basket-- Seasons Greetings from Dan

...and the number one sign Dan Rather has gone senile...

1. Claims that no one has yet challenged "the essence of his story" that he jumped the Snake River Canyon in 1975

Note: This was originally about Andy Rooney. I have "recontextualized" it for relevance in today's fast-moving media landscape

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posted by Ace at 05:50 PM

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