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September 01, 2004

Philadelphia Considers "Free Porn For All"

Ambitious City-Wide Free Wireless Broadband Internet System Promises to End the Hot-Sex "Digital Divide" Separating the Races

Who says that only geeky white boys should be privileged to troll for free porn all day?

Whoever proposed this absurdity just won 85% of the male vote.

I'm always amused at the ridiculous spin liberals put on the Internet. Granted, there is a lot of cool stuff only possible due to the Internet. Like, this stupid blog.

But they talk about the Internet as if it's some sort of broadband college education or super-duper research library. Yes, there is a small but now growing number of people who get their news primarily via the Internet; but obviously you don't need super-bandwidth to access the NYT website. That's low-bandwidth.

High bandwidth is for porn, and everyone knows that. Actually, low-bandwidth is for porn, too, if that's all you have.

Here's a breakdown of what the Internet is actually used for:

90% Porn

1% Illegally dowloading movies (may include some porn)

1% Buying movie tickets (may include buying porn movie tickets)

1% Buying gifts and other goods (usually of a pornographic nature)

1% Sending stupid jokes and pictures to your friends and co-workers (90% of these jokes and pictures are technically pornographic)

1% Buying your mom flowers because you were too lazy/inconsiderate to buy her something better (you might inadvertantly buy your mom "porn flowers")

1% Wasting time at work by playing stupid games (many of these games are actually pornographic, such as ManSweeper and Titris)

1% Talking about the Simpsons and Star Trek with other idiots (may include homosexual pornographic "slash" fiction of Homer raping Chief Wiggums, or Spock delivering the "Vulcan Cock Pinch" on Kirk)

1% Using cool "L33T" slang, like "suxxor" (most of this slang is pornographic)

1% Neglecting your kids by letting them watch stupid Internet cartoons of Barney the Fucking Dinosaur (while your kids are watching Barney, pedophiles will attempt to send them pornography)

0.9% Blogging/reading blogs (certain blogs, like this one, are very nearly pornographic)

and finally:

0.1% Actually using the Internet for what the liberal Internet proponents claim that everyone does with it, like keeping up with news from foreign newspapers or researching quantum mechanics from the comfort of your own home (in between reading foreign news and researching quantum mechanics, you will take "Intellect Breaks" and enjoy some stimulating and refreshing pornography)

For God's sake. Conservatives have some of their own cherished principles which don't necessarily always comport with objective reality, but I swear, every other thing out of a liberal's mouth is some sort of fantasy-world bullshit that's laughable on its face.


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posted by Ace at 03:38 PM

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