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July 02, 2004

Always Dump Your Bad News on a Friday

What a terrible day here at the Ace of Spades HQ corporate command center. The jobs numbers didn't dazzle as I'd predicted, and I had to retract my hysterical shrieking over the "9-11 Apology Flick" fooferall.

Might as well get out the rest of the corrections now, while you're all on your way home from work and no longer interested in reading blogs.

Top Ten Other Ace of Spades HQ Corrections

10. Contrary to my previous suggestions, I was never in fact "belted by gamma rays" and I do not grow into a nine-foot-tall jade giant when provoked. My threat to take "Josh Marshall's crappy little Don Johnson stubble-face" and "hulk-out on it" was, I'm afraid, something of an empty boast.

9. I did not "comfort" Jeri Ryan after her divorce from abortive senate candidate Jack Ryan. I did not braid her hair, I did not paint her toes, and I most definitely did not cheer her up with a "Nasty Adolf." If I've given a contrary impression, I apologize.

8. I did not actually star in Who's the Boss? My claim that I had has caused great confusion among my readers: some wondered if I was in fact Tony Danza; others thought I might be Judith Licht or even Alyssa Milano. (To those of you sent me flowers and invitations to roller-skating parties, thank you, but I'm not Ms. Milano, and no, I don't have her "digits.") This error arose from an inadvertant typo; I wrote "I was the star, creator, and executive producer of Who's the Boss?" when I actually meant to write "I once watched Who's the Boss? while eating a bologna sandwich." I think this is a perfectly understandable error, and I trust you'll forgive me for it.

7. I was wrong when I stated that monolguist Bill Maher ("monologuist" is a comedian who's not actually funny) was only 5'1" even in those ridiculously high-heeled 1970's Frankenboots he's always wearing. In fact, his height varies according to which elevator shoes he might have on, ranging from 5'3" to 4'7".

6. It was unfair of me to term Jessica "Washingtonienne" Cutler a "news-skank." In fact, nothing in her blog was actually related to news at all. The proper terminology should have been common whore or street-meat.

5. I earlier predicted that Instapundit would "never" link me. I was wrong. I should have said, "Instapundit will link me once, and never again, due to my sloppy and shrill postings."

4. The capital of Kenya is not, as I stated, "Kenya City." Nor is the capital of Nigeria "Nigeria City," nor the capital of Germany "Germany City." I suppose I should look up the actual capitals and provide them for you, but I'm far too lazy. And I should also say that the capital of the Straits of Malacca is not "Straits of Malacca City," as the Straits of Malacca don't have a capital, being a body of water rather than a political entity.

3. I earlier stated that I had solid information that Dick Cheney would not run for re-election as Vice President, and that George Bush's new running mate would be either WWE wrestler Mick "Mankind" Foley or Meredith Baxter-Birney of Family Ties. My sources badly misled me on that, and I apologize for not better vetting their information.

2. Despite my earlier claims to the contrary, I was never in fact Paul Krugman's "male companion" and "travelling cabana boy." I did not "shack up" with him for "most of the eighties," and while he might in fact have "fingers like a concert cellist," I have no first-hand knowledge regarding this claim either way. I really have no idea why I claimed any of that. I think he just sort of pissed me off.

...and the Number One Ace of Spades HQ Correction...

1. It was inaccurate to call Michael Moore "ugly" and "obese." In actuality, he's "fugly" and "fobese." My apologies for misleading you.


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posted by Ace at 04:05 PM

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