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June 22, 2004

Illinois Republican Senate Candidate Rocked By Steamy Sex-Allegations By Former Wife, Jeri "Seven of Nine" Ryan

Ryan's Numbers Expected to Surge When People Realize That Yes, He Really Was Banging That Jeri Ryan

There are sex scandals. There are steamy sex scandals. And then there are steamy sex scandals involving Borg-boobed actress Jeri Ryan, which for my money represent the Holy Grail of political sex scandals.

The allegations come amidst a child-custody fight -- never a good indication of credibility -- and I'm not even sure how terrible they are. He "pressured" her to have kinky sex in public places, including, she claims, in front of witnesses.

I gotta tell you, if I had Jeri Ryan, I'm pretty sure I'd both want and need witnesses. Sort of like the old joke:

Jack Ryan walks into a confessional at his Chicago church. "Father," he tells the priest, "last night I had savage carnal relations with actress Jeri Ryan."

"What is your sin, then?" the priest asks. "Did you simply engage in premarital sex, or did you commit the sin of adultery?"

"Neither, Father," Jack Ryan responds. "Jeri Ryan is my wife."

"Well that's not any sort of sin," the priest says. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everybody," Jack Ryan says, and then hits the priest up for a campaign donation. The priest immediately writes out a check for $500.

Hat Tip: Enjoy Every Sandwich.

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