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November 11, 2019

James Bond Decides to Follow Terminator: Dark Fate into the Grave, Producing the "Wokest," "Most Politically Correct" Bond Movie Yet

And the last Bond movie for a long, long time.

License revoked.

It has been billed as the most politically correct James Bond movie yet...

Fans who have come to love such doubles entendres might be surprised that they have survived the franchise's 'woke' makeover that has banned outdated sexism and introduced strong female characters, such as Lashana Lynch as another top British secret agent.

Earlier this year, this newspaper revealed that Fleabag creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge had been brought in as a scriptwriter to ensure the blockbuster was appropriate for the #MeToo era.

As many expected, Bond marries the last bland girl because they're remaking On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

But this isn't your daddy's Mrs. Bond -- Oh no, Madeleine Swann refuses to take Bond's last name.

The morning after their wedding, Bond wakes sleepy-eyed and says 'Good morning, Mrs Bond', to which she replies: 'Don't you mean Ms Swann?'

There will be no "Bond girls" in the movie. In fact, people weren't even allowed to say "Bond girl" on set.

A source said: 'The phrase 'Bond girl' was outlawed from the set. The women in this film are all strong, brave and fiercely independent. These women are not helpless girls who jump into bed with Bond – their reactions are very different from what people might think.

'Bond tries his usual seduction techniques but they fail miserably. It's very funny.'

White men, they're so useless and stupid -- am I right or what?

A movie insider said the original plan was for a 'popcorn-dropping moment' when M, played by Ralph Fiennes, says 'Come in 007' and 'this beautiful, strong black woman walks through the door'.

That moment might have been #cancelled due to fan backlash of "replacing 007." She might have a different double-0 codenumber in the finished movie.

She was determined her character should be a 'real' woman 'who has issues with her weight and maybe questions what's going on with her boyfriend'.

She even discussed something which has never made it into a Bond film before: 'We had one conversation about her maybe being on her period in one scene and… throwing her tampon [into the bin].'

Great, a Bond girl who whines about issues with weight and her boyfriend. (Or are they suggesting her boyfriend might not be a male?)

Just what we've all been waiting for.

And the tampon thing -- so classy.

Craig's Bond is brought out of retirement to work alongside the female special agent to save the world from a villain who has developed a deadly algae which threatens to kill the world's oceans – a nod to the concerns of climate campaigners.

In that vein, producers were determined to make the most environmentally friendly 007 film ever.

Crew members were given reusable water bottles which they filled from taps, saving an estimated 230,000 single-use plastic water bottles.

And Daniel Craig is pushing even more environmentalism -- Bond's driving an electric car in this movie.

Even Bond's beloved gas-guzzling Aston Martin hasn't escaped the green makeover.

Craig will drive an electric Rapide E model. Only 155 of the £250,000 vehicles have been built.

Skeptics had it right in 2005 -- Daniel Craig (who is a leftwing dum-dum and almost certainly behind most of this bullshit, now that he can order EON to do whatever he wants) is in fact the death of James Bond.

It just took him more time to kill Bond than we thought.

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posted by Ace of Spades at 04:05 PM

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