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December 27, 2018

ONT? You Must Be Joking

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch. The bartender tells him he'll have to get in line. The man looks around, but there is no punch line.

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So how about it Horde? Post your favorite jokes in the comments.


This Joke's Got Balls

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Riddle Me This

Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?

Answer (highlight to see):Have sex with her

2 Jokes in One

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Last Request

A rich man is dying. He calls in his priest, his doctor and his lawyer and tells them "They say you can't take it with you, but they're wrong." He gives each man an envelope. "There is $1 million in each envelope. At my funeral, just before they shovel the dirt in, I want each of you to toss your envelope into my grave". The three men solemnly agree.

The next day, the man dies. At his funeral, just before the gravediggers fill the grave, three envelopes bounce off the casket. Silently, the three men watch until the job is done, then they go out for a drink. After a couple of shots, the priest starts to feel guilty. "Gentlemen", he says" I have a confession to make. The orphanage was in big financial trouble. I took $200K out of the envelope to balance the books and fix the furnace. If I hadn't have done that, the orphanage would have had to close. I only threw $800K in." The other two men are slient, and then the doctor sighs and chimes in "I took $400K to fix the hospital's roof. It's the only hospital in a hundred miles, if I hadn't have done that, it would have closed and the community would be without medical care. I only threw in $600K." The doctor and the priest look at each other, and then at the lawyer.

The lawyer shakes his head and puts down his drink. "Gentlemen, no matter how worthy the causes, what you did was wrong. Phil was my client," he looks at the doctor, "and your patient, and your parishioner", nodding at the priest. "We were given a solemn charge, to fulfill his last request, and the two of you broke it." The doctor and the priest are looking down at the floor in shame. The lawyer picks up his drink. "I can think of lots of worthy things to do with the money, but it didn't belong to me. That's why I threw in my personal check for the full one million dollars".


Jinkies!

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This is What "Fiendishly Clever" Means

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My Wife's Favorite Joke

It seems that after Leif Erikson left the settlement in Newfoundland, he went back to his old village in Iceland. Much to his surprise, he found that he couldn't participate in the village council-he couldn't even vote! Disturbed, he went to the village clerk to find out why. The clerk investigated, and came back and told him he wasn't on the village rolls anymore. "I'm sorry, we must have taken Leif off our census"


It's Great to Lay on One in the Summer

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Feghoot

Click here for the greatest joke of all time

Tonight's ONT brought to you by trolling the teacher:

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digg this
posted by WeirdDave at 09:43 PM

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