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March 10, 2017

The Media Is Pushing Chelsea Clinton's Every Tweet as "Daring" and "Sassy"

The media's been working as an unpaid ops shop for the Clintons for so long, it has no idea what to do now, except to promote the next Clinton as daring and sassy.

Daring and sassy -- two words that spring to mind when contemplating the shambling wallflower known as Chelsea Clinton and her Charisma Score of -3.

Chelsea Clinton's charisma score is so low that any diplomacy checks she makes are resolved by using the following Encounter Matrices exclusively:

For Diplomacy Checks Made In Real Life (IRL) Only:


1: The character you are speaking with contrives some reason to escape the encounter. Roll d6: 1-3, he immediately quaffs down his 3/4ths full tankard and announces "I must fetch myself more honeymead, or elf-wine, or whatever gay shit it is I'm drinking," 4-6, he says "Excuse me, but there's a Bugbear I know from Wizardling School that I just have to say hello to." But when you look, there is not a Bugbear in sight.

Perhaps he just cast Invisibility on himself. That's probably it.

2: The other character immediate begins Social Combat against your reputation with a +5 rage bonus to Morale on his first attack and does Double Damage on every hit because You Damn-Well Earned It Didn't You.

Any other characters within line of sight of this combat have a 50% chance of joining in against you.

In addition, for every five (5) characters joining in the Social Combat, there is a 10% chance that a Type V ("Merilith") demon will be drawn to the chaos, and then immediately becomes Enraged As Shit with you (per the spell effect) and casts Meteor Swarm and Power Word: Go Fuck Yourself.

3: The other character flees completely from all contact with human (or demi-human) society and becomes (roll d6) 1-2: a lonely hermit with a vow of silence, 3-4: a crazed mystic who stares into the sun until blind and dead of dessication, 5-6: Brian Stelter.

If Brian Stelter is rolled, roll d%: On a score of 95-00, Brian Stelter withdraws further into the demi-plane of his own evil asshole until he separates from the Material Plane completely and becomes the fearsome creature known as a Twitter Lich (qq.v. module F3: In The Dank Tombs of Brian Stelter's Sad Pathetic Existence and Dragon magazine issue #97, The Ecology of the Half-Gnome: Why Brian Stelter is Fat and Gets No Ratings).

4: The other character offers you $600,000 per year to do amateurish "news stories" that the high school AV team would be too embarrassed to run on their morning news program. N.B.: They only offer you this money as A Goof, just to watch you fail.

After failing, which of course you do, immediately turn to "Major Malevolent Side Effects" in the discussion on Relics and Artifacts, supra, and roll two major malevolent side effects you are cursed with forever due to cosmic embarrassment.

Also, you immediately lose all Uranium Pieces you may have acquired through any means, including From Mommy.

For Diplomacy Checks Made Via Social Media:

If you are attempting the diplomacy check over social media, the other character immediately shuts down all social media, says "I really have to re-examine my life choices," deletes his Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all other accounts, and knuckles down to do some actual work for two hours. He then reconnects with family, old friends, and old interests and passions, and finds that his life has improved in all measurable ways.

But rather than thanking you for liberating him from his cyber bounds, he immediately begins Social Combat against you with a +5 Rage bonus on his first attack. Cf. the rules on mass Social Combat including summoning a Type V demon, infra.

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posted by Ace at 03:25 PM

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