Sponsored Content

Intermarkets' Privacy Policy

Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!

Recent Entries
Absent Friends
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

CNN: When You Claim Our Hillary Clinton Documentary Will Be Biased, You Are Unfairly Pre-Judging Us Based Upon Nothing But Our 30 Year History of Ridiculous Bias | Main | Second Try at an ONT: World's Best Glamour Shots That Just Missed Ever So Slightly
August 05, 2013

Overnight Open Thread: Ace Has No Idea What The Hell He's Doing Edition

Maet has obligations, so others will be doing the ONT for a bit.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing -- especially in this Maet-crafted formula -- so for the first night I'm just going to do basically one of my own posts. And offer you guys a riff, if you like.

It's about Amanda Marcotte.

Amanda Marotte has a ludicrous theory. She has created this theory to explain why some men are pro-life. She wishes to deny such men any sort of ethical impulse whatsoever, and claim that not only are their conclusions wrong (from her point of view), but so are their intentions.

Her theory is thus, paraphrased. Ahem.

"Men just want to Control Women's Sexuality because they fear the libidinous power of women's pleasure-seeking sexual urges. Men's primary interest in sex is purely reproductive -- they seek to impregnate women both to Control Their Sexuality and also get out of sex their main objective, which is children."

Yes, that's right: In order to make pro-life men seem not only pro-life but anti-sex, she posits that men are only pro-life because they are so violently anti-sex. They just hate the thought of sex for pure pleasure.

For men -- for almost all men -- the Deal isn't Sealed unless there's offspring.

She has forwarded this bizarre inversion of male-female sexual priorities about six thousand times. She needs this theory, in order to make the Mathematics of Victimology balance.

There is a saying, when something is so completely wrong as to be not even categorizable as wrong: "Not even wrong." I would suggest that that the Main Thesis that underlies all of Marcotte's screeching is "Not even Dumb." It fails to rise to the level of being Dumb. She reaches for Stupid, but Stupid exceeds her grasp.

Am I being unfair? Perhaps. Perhaps. Because we all know, of course, that men's only real interest in sex is Babies n Stuff, and Women are all just like "Hit it and quit it and make me a sammich on your way out."

I mean, you know how guys are always like "Let's make a Baby tonight honey" and women are always like "Nah can't just do anal?" I mean how many times, am I right?

For men, Third Base = Picking out a name and finding a district with Good Schools. We all know this.

We men are notorious about being obsessed with Accepting Adult Responsibility for Caring For Another Life. Us men with our never-ending quest for consequence-full sex, childbirth, motherhood, and what color wallpaper for the nursery.

How many times do guys say things like, "Look at that rack... I'd like to see THAT eight months pregnant, I'll tell you that."

Or: "Nice ass...I'd like to set her career back by three years, if you know what I'm sayin'."

Or: "Nice legs... wonder what those would look like behind a Stroller."

You know why men like boobs, right? That's right, you know it: Because they remind us of baby rattles.

Whenever a guy sees a nice pair of honkers we have only one thought: "Well, those should help us economize on the cost of Formula for Child."

This is why every rapper is forever boasting about how many bassinets he owns, and how child-safe his nursery is, and how he's gonna make ya dizzy with his colorful educational mobile.

One move men are known for is trying to introduce a new girlfriend to our OB/GYN too quickly. Just to see if they get along.

Every dude's reacts the same way upon finding his short-term girlfriend's pregnancy test is negative: "Damnit! Soclose!"

Men say "Oh baby!" during sex for the same reason we say Seven-Come-Eleven in craps. It's like a wish-prayer. As a matter of fact we say "Oh baby" or "Baby needs a new pair of shoes" in craps, too. We just never stop thinking about the Wonder of Childbirth.

Men send eachother pictures of fertile young women and ask each other, "She could really, uh, Rock a Cradle, if you knowz whaz I'ze sezzin'."

CoolCzech noted that whenever his girlfriend isn't looking he slips Fertility Pills into her drink.

We call that a "Iowa Rufie."

Not many people know this, but Playboy originally was a magazine filled with pictures of wedding dresses and children's toys. It was banned as obscene due to its ability to drive men to distraction with Baby Fever. So they just started running pictures of nubile girls. Blech. Who likes them.

Playboy's original symbol was a Stork. That was too obvious, so they changed it to a Rabbit. Which is still pretty obvious.

So-called "Dudeflick" movies are just filled with wedding planners and maternity clothes. Anytime a new Sarah Jessica Parker movie comes out, you know Dudes Are All Over That Shit. We only have one question: Is it about Gettin' Married or is it about Havin' Babies? And we're gonna see it either way, we just want to know whether we should bring bags of rice or bottles of Gerber's.

Every man knows this -- We love that sex drops down to almost nothing after childbirth. We're all like, "Whew, glad that nightmare is finally behind us!" Now let's look at some wallpaper swatches.

Men notoriously hate lesbian pornography, because, as we see it, "What's the point?" We're all about the Magic of Fertilization.

A Maxim poll revealed men's choice for the most intensely erotic movie ever made -- Look Who's Talking.

Men have a saying about sex: "Five minutes of regret, but then a lifetime of Joy."

Men see a woman and can only think one thing: "Man, I'd like to see that in a pair of stretch pants."

I saw this girl the other day with the hottest mouth and most wickedly curved lips. I had only one thought: "Now I've got a job for that sweet little face-hole: teaching Phonix to my children."

Once I dated a girl. One day she told me her dad owned a Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I said, "I must be dreaming." But it didn't work out. She was obviously highly sought-after. They were having a sale on bathmats and closet organization solutions, so, you know. Stampede.

Men only attempt drunken, late-night booty calls because we know women hit peak fertility at 2am.

And let's face it, contraception is a nightmare anyway. One time I had sex with a girl who was On The Pill. I hated it. I couldn't feel anything, emotionally.

But it's like that, isn't it? Every time I go on a first date with a lady, my friends have only one question: "So, did you get (pokes one finger back and forth through a hole made of the other forefinger and thumb) Engaged?" And they we plan our weddings right then and there. What a gay time we have.

So that's us men, all about nothin' but babies and marriage, and definitely trying to stop Wicked Girls with their Sexy Agenda of nothing but wild, animalistic consequence-free pure-release sport-sex.

We just want to be held, and also, to hold babies. Or as @MoonbatCatnip said: "Why buy the milk when you can have the whole cow?"

This ONT brought to you by this whorishly unmarried girl's Children's Nourishment Interfaces.

digg this
posted by Ace at 09:00 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
Robert: "Headline: Woman, 37, Stabs Husband Multiple Times ..."

A face in the crowd.....: "From statements from teenaged "climate activists" ..."

The ARC of History!: "[i]What'd the Azerbaijanis do?[/i] They are eth ..."

LenNeal reads weird Substacks: " What'd the Azerbaijanis do? Posted by: Vanya' ..."

Archimedes: "[i] Diane Feinstein did something sensible when fa ..."

Mike Hammer, etc., etc.: "Do I need to mention the book 'Camp of the Saints' ..."

A face in the crowd.....: "I've been to Charles De Gaulle International Airpo ..."

Skip : "Watched that clip of Di-Fi on Bad Blue last night, ..."

The ARC of History!: "[i]Those kids have been taught that they will die ..."

LenNeal did that once too. Never again.: "To be fair we must consider it just may be that th ..."

Robert: "Morning. In a time before heavy metal, Hank Wil ..."

PabloD: "I would've had a modicum of respect for any politi ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64