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August 05, 2013

Overnight Open Thread: Ace Has No Idea What The Hell He's Doing Edition

Maet has obligations, so others will be doing the ONT for a bit.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing -- especially in this Maet-crafted formula -- so for the first night I'm just going to do basically one of my own posts. And offer you guys a riff, if you like.

It's about Amanda Marcotte.

Amanda Marotte has a ludicrous theory. She has created this theory to explain why some men are pro-life. She wishes to deny such men any sort of ethical impulse whatsoever, and claim that not only are their conclusions wrong (from her point of view), but so are their intentions.

Her theory is thus, paraphrased. Ahem.

"Men just want to Control Women's Sexuality because they fear the libidinous power of women's pleasure-seeking sexual urges. Men's primary interest in sex is purely reproductive -- they seek to impregnate women both to Control Their Sexuality and also get out of sex their main objective, which is children."

Yes, that's right: In order to make pro-life men seem not only pro-life but anti-sex, she posits that men are only pro-life because they are so violently anti-sex. They just hate the thought of sex for pure pleasure.

For men -- for almost all men -- the Deal isn't Sealed unless there's offspring.

She has forwarded this bizarre inversion of male-female sexual priorities about six thousand times. She needs this theory, in order to make the Mathematics of Victimology balance.

There is a saying, when something is so completely wrong as to be not even categorizable as wrong: "Not even wrong." I would suggest that that the Main Thesis that underlies all of Marcotte's screeching is "Not even Dumb." It fails to rise to the level of being Dumb. She reaches for Stupid, but Stupid exceeds her grasp.

Am I being unfair? Perhaps. Perhaps. Because we all know, of course, that men's only real interest in sex is Babies n Stuff, and Women are all just like "Hit it and quit it and make me a sammich on your way out."

I mean, you know how guys are always like "Let's make a Baby tonight honey" and women are always like "Nah can't just do anal?" I mean how many times, am I right?

For men, Third Base = Picking out a name and finding a district with Good Schools. We all know this.


We men are notorious about being obsessed with Accepting Adult Responsibility for Caring For Another Life. Us men with our never-ending quest for consequence-full sex, childbirth, motherhood, and what color wallpaper for the nursery.

How many times do guys say things like, "Look at that rack... I'd like to see THAT eight months pregnant, I'll tell you that."

Or: "Nice ass...I'd like to set her career back by three years, if you know what I'm sayin'."

Or: "Nice legs... wonder what those would look like behind a Stroller."

You know why men like boobs, right? That's right, you know it: Because they remind us of baby rattles.

Whenever a guy sees a nice pair of honkers we have only one thought: "Well, those should help us economize on the cost of Formula for Child."

This is why every rapper is forever boasting about how many bassinets he owns, and how child-safe his nursery is, and how he's gonna make ya dizzy with his colorful educational mobile.

One move men are known for is trying to introduce a new girlfriend to our OB/GYN too quickly. Just to see if they get along.

Every dude's reacts the same way upon finding his short-term girlfriend's pregnancy test is negative: "Damnit! Soclose!"

Men say "Oh baby!" during sex for the same reason we say Seven-Come-Eleven in craps. It's like a wish-prayer. As a matter of fact we say "Oh baby" or "Baby needs a new pair of shoes" in craps, too. We just never stop thinking about the Wonder of Childbirth.

Men send eachother pictures of fertile young women and ask each other, "She could really, uh, Rock a Cradle, if you knowz whaz I'ze sezzin'."

CoolCzech noted that whenever his girlfriend isn't looking he slips Fertility Pills into her drink.

We call that a "Iowa Rufie."

Not many people know this, but Playboy originally was a magazine filled with pictures of wedding dresses and children's toys. It was banned as obscene due to its ability to drive men to distraction with Baby Fever. So they just started running pictures of nubile girls. Blech. Who likes them.

Playboy's original symbol was a Stork. That was too obvious, so they changed it to a Rabbit. Which is still pretty obvious.

So-called "Dudeflick" movies are just filled with wedding planners and maternity clothes. Anytime a new Sarah Jessica Parker movie comes out, you know Dudes Are All Over That Shit. We only have one question: Is it about Gettin' Married or is it about Havin' Babies? And we're gonna see it either way, we just want to know whether we should bring bags of rice or bottles of Gerber's.

Every man knows this -- We love that sex drops down to almost nothing after childbirth. We're all like, "Whew, glad that nightmare is finally behind us!" Now let's look at some wallpaper swatches.

Men notoriously hate lesbian pornography, because, as we see it, "What's the point?" We're all about the Magic of Fertilization.

A Maxim poll revealed men's choice for the most intensely erotic movie ever made -- Look Who's Talking.

Men have a saying about sex: "Five minutes of regret, but then a lifetime of Joy."

Men see a woman and can only think one thing: "Man, I'd like to see that in a pair of stretch pants."

I saw this girl the other day with the hottest mouth and most wickedly curved lips. I had only one thought: "Now I've got a job for that sweet little face-hole: teaching Phonix to my children."

Once I dated a girl. One day she told me her dad owned a Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I said, "I must be dreaming." But it didn't work out. She was obviously highly sought-after. They were having a sale on bathmats and closet organization solutions, so, you know. Stampede.

Men only attempt drunken, late-night booty calls because we know women hit peak fertility at 2am.

And let's face it, contraception is a nightmare anyway. One time I had sex with a girl who was On The Pill. I hated it. I couldn't feel anything, emotionally.

But it's like that, isn't it? Every time I go on a first date with a lady, my friends have only one question: "So, did you get (pokes one finger back and forth through a hole made of the other forefinger and thumb) Engaged?" And they we plan our weddings right then and there. What a gay time we have.

So that's us men, all about nothin' but babies and marriage, and definitely trying to stop Wicked Girls with their Sexy Agenda of nothing but wild, animalistic consequence-free pure-release sport-sex.

We just want to be held, and also, to hold babies. Or as @MoonbatCatnip said: "Why buy the milk when you can have the whole cow?"

This ONT brought to you by this whorishly unmarried girl's Children's Nourishment Interfaces.

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posted by Ace at 09:00 PM

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