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June 07, 2011

Reality Based Community - 37; Reality - 0

You can hardly fault Reality for being unable to penetrate the Reality Based Community's defense -- it's an airtight scheme, gorgeous in design and flawless in execution, in which Reality is barely able to so much as reach midfield before being stripped of the ball.

It's as if the Reality Based Community has erected an impregnable wall on the 50 yard line: Thus far, and no further.

MVPs...? It's hard to answer, because when a defense is operating at this level of perfection, both finesse and smashmouth simultaneously, how do you pick out stand-outs without, by negative implication, suggesting that other members of the team performed anything less than brilliantly?

But if we're forced to chose MVPs from this Murderer's Row of All-Time Reality yardage-deniers, I guess we'd have to say the Four Horsemen would be, as usual, the Never Give An Inch quartet of Charles Johnson, Kos, Eric Boehlert (who works for a $15 million a year outfit unable to get more readers in a month than I get in a week), and, of course, the Sister Act Double Threat of Joy Behar and Barbara Walters.

And yet... we expect such performances from them. Week after week they put up eye-popping statistics in a defense against Reality so awesome in its design and so ferocious in its execution that we stand in childlike awe of these... Heroes.

I'll say it: Heroes. When someone is operating that this high a level of superlativeness, you almost become a kid again, just marveling at them and realizing, as kids fortunately never realize, I can never rise to that level of achievement. Almost like comic-book crusaders -- touched by some strange X Factor, apart from humanity itself, both blessed and cursed at the same time to be so far above their biological fellows.

However, this Wrecking Crew of Reality-demolition is so on top of their collective game we just have come to expect a highlight reel every time they take the field.

But when someone we never even heard of before -- someone who subbed in at the last moment because the starting strong safety, Amanda Marcotte, turned her ankle in practice the Friday before -- steps in and performs even above and beyond that Fearsome Foursome's heroism... well, that requires some notice.

Matthew Shaffer is the first sports writer I've seen calling out Cannonfire on what is almost certainly a career game.

First, he proposed the Yfrog hack that rallied the hell out of Team Reality Based Community in the second quarter, when things seemed to be a little too close for comfort. Then, even after his theory was discredited and disproved, he nevertheless continued building on it.

He just don't have any quit in him, as they say.

And then -- in the closing second of the fourth quarter, when other members of the Reality Based Community were just basically jogging around in anticipation of the showers, the game well in hand -- he did something truly remarkable.

He suggested that Anthony Weiner himself was now part of the conspiracy.

Anthony Weiner today said that he sent the picture via Twitter to Gennette Cordova. He said that he had never spoken to her on a personal level. She tells the same story, and there is no reason to doubt her.

Thus, Weiner made the most amazing confession conceivable: That he just sent a crotch shot out of the blue to someone he did not know. Worse, he used Twitter -- which places all images on public display, even when sent as a direct message. (The example here proves the point; that painting was sent by "Chalice" as a DM, yet it is also public.) Moreover, he did this incredible thing knowing full well that there were political enemies tracking his every move on Twitter.

Sorry.

I don't believe that scenario. I accept every part of his confession except for the statement about the night of the 27th.

I wouldn't believe that part if Weiner personally called me up and insisted.

Wouldn't believe it if Weiner personally told him he was guilty?

Now that's a game face for y'all.

While you guys are out chasin' ass and getting drunk after the game, you know what this guy's doing?

Windsprints. And leg presses.

He's doing the tip drill all by himself, and then tackling himself.

And what are you p*ssies doing? Whining that Madden 11 didn't make you a franchise player?

Gotta earn that right, Cuz.

After explaining it's simply too ridiculous to be credited as possible that a Congressman would indiscreetly sext a Comely Coed....

...

My imagination is as good as anyone else's, but my brain refuses to accept the possibility.

Why would he lie about the night of the 27th? Because, as is now established, and as we have all long suspected, there is a lot else in his history that he does not want investigated or discussed further.

In particular, Breitbart has made it clear that he possesses an explicit shot, probably involving an erection. If I were Weiner, I might say anything -- anything -- to forestall that image from being made public.

Breitbart clearly demanded public justification for his decision to run a story based on a shady source whose name he does not know, and whom he himself had come to suspect of malfeasance.

Did Breitbart contact the congressman and blackmail him?

His answer? No, not explicitly, but Breitbart's public declarations constituted a disguised extortion threat, and hence an effective blackmail scheme.

You know, if I had just three of this guy on my squad, I wouldn't just win the Super Bowl. I'd actually take my team into entirely different sports leagues and take home every goddamn trophy they have, too.

Dog Snowboarding? Competitive Line Dancing? Extreme bowling? Shit yeah, Son, mark 'em down as already won.

Game Summary: At Next Media Animation. Well, it's not really a game summary. I'm just keeping the riff going.


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posted by Ace at 04:00 PM

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