Oh Boy: Margaret Cho Swears, Swears That Sarah Palin Forced Her Daughter To Do DWTS

Margaret Cho. I remember her on DTWS. I watched the first one. I think maybe we liveblogged it?

Anyway...

"I heard from someone who really should know (really should seriously know the dirt really really) that the only reason Bristol was on the show was because Sarah Palin forced her to do it," Bristol's onetime fellow contesant wrote on her blog yesterday, in an entry titled "Pistol Whipped."

"Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly (in the circles that I heard it from) for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she 'owed' it to her to do DWTS so that 'America would fall in love with her again' and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 with America behind her all the way," Cho continued. "Instead of being supposedly 'handicapped' by the presence of her teen mom daughter, now Bristol is going to be an 'asset'—a celebrity beloved for her dancing."

Someone who should really really really know? And who you'd be talking to, a hyperpartisan idiot lefty? And who would seek out F-list "celebrities" to email?

You mean Levi Johnston, don't you? Why not just say so? Why the deception about who your source is, Fatty McLovehandles?

Okay, yeah, I do have to give Sarah Palin a limited pass on the personal stuff, given the unending personal, nasty attacks from the left.

You Know What I'd Like To See? The next time a "reporter" like Anderson Cooper mentions this sort of a rumor/claim against Palin, absent even a named source, under the guise of "just reporting what people are talking about," I want a conservative to embarrass him by demanding to explain why he feels free to report baseless claims against Palin like this, apart from ideological dishonesty, and why he won't mention other stuff people are "talking about," like Barack Obama's affair with Vera Baker.

Some Old Margaret Cho Jokes: from way back -- January 11, 2004, like the second week the blog existed.

"Knock, Knock."
-- "Who's there?"
"Margaret."
--"Margaret Who?"
"Margaret Cho."
--"We're sorry, but we don't think you're right for us. You've got no charisma, and we're looking for a completely different body-type. Next."
"But this isn't an audition. This is a frozen-yogurt stand."
--"Precisely. Move along, Dumpy."

***

Two hunters are in a forest. Suddenly, a snake strikes one, biting him right on the wiener.

The hunter falls to the ground. His friend tries to dial 9-1-1 on his cellphone, but he can't get any reception. So he runs off to a clearing and connects with poison control.

He describes the snake to Poison Control. They tell him the snake is a deadly coral snake, with venom powerful enough to kill a man in ten minutes. But the snake's venom can be sucked out from the wound, saving the victim from otherwise-certain death.

The man returns to his fallen friend. "I have some bad news and some good news," he says.

"Tell it to me straight," says the snake-bitten hunter, venom coursing through his veins.

"The bad news is that that snake's venom is lethal."

"That's terrible," the man says. "But you said there was good news...?"

"Yes," the other hunter says. "Margaret Cho has a guest-shot in an upcoming Eight Simple Rules. You'll be missing it."

***

Margaret Cho walks into a fashionable Hollywood bar, walking a shit-covered, fly-clouded pig on a leash.

"Hey!" the bartender exclaims. "You can't bring that fat, stinking, shitty sack of pork-lard into this bar."

Margaret Cho and the pig exit the bar.

Ten minutes later, the pig returns to the Hollywood bar, this time without Margaret Cho. The pig jumps up on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall one.

"Thanks for being so understanding," the bartender says.

"Oh, I get that all the time," the pig says. "I can't go anywhere in this town with her. Margaret Cho is absolute poison within the industry."

***

A Rabbi, an Imam, and Margaret Cho approach the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter halts them.

"To enter the Kingdom of Heaven," St Pete says, "you will have to each answer an important question: Who is the One True God of the Universe?"

The Rabbi, the Imam, and Margaret Cho are all surprised by the directness of the question. Nevertheless, the Rabbi clears his throat, and answers first:

"The One True God of the Universe is Jehovah," he says, "because the Torah of the Jews was written first, and is therefore correct."

"You may enter God's Country," St Pete says, and opens the gate for the Rabbi.

The Imam speaks next. He thinks about responding as the Rabbi did, but he cannot deny his own faith. So, bravely, he says, "The One True God of the Universe is Allah. For the prophet Mohammed wrote his book last, and therefore his word is the right one."

The Imam is suprised when St Pete throws open the gates again. "You too may pass." The Imam enters Heaven.

Finally, St Pete gets to Margaret Cho. She was raised as a Christian, so she answers the way she was taught to in Sunday School. "The One True God of the Universe is Jesus Christ," she says, "because he was given to us to grant us salvation."

"Sorry," St Pete says, "But that is the wrong answer." The clouds part beneath Margaret Cho's feet, and she plunges into Hell, to burn in the fires of Perdition for eternity.

St Pete now goes back through the gate, where he finds the Rabbi and Imam waiting. "We have a question," the Rabbi says. "We don't understand how God can be both Jehovah of the Hebrew's Torah, and also Allah of Mohammad's prophecy."

"Oh," St Pete says wryly. "That. Well, of course God is Jesus Christ. Duh. That's a no-brainer."

"Then why," the Imam asks, "did you send Margaret Cho to Hell?"

Saint Peter smiles sagely. "Have you ever caught her act? She sucks. Jesus forgives, but there's no forgiving Attack of the Five Foot Woman."

***

A man sits down in a confessional. "Father," the man says, "Last night I watched a movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones. I had impure thoughts, and then, God forgive me, I committed impure acts on myself as well."

"Six Hail Mary's," the Father says. "Go and sin no more."

Next week, the same man returns to the confessional. "Father," he begins, "Last night I watched a Jennifer Connelly movie. I had impure thoughts, and then, God forgive me, I committed some of the most impure acts of self-abuse imagineable."

"Eight Hail Mary's," the Father says. "Learn from this transgression, and go and sin no more."

Finally, the next week, the same man enters the confessional again. "Father," he says, "Last night I watched a re-run of the Margaret Cho show. In one scene, she wore a skimpy bikini, showing off her ample flesh."

The man ends his confession there.

Curious, the Father inquires, "Did you have impure thoughts?"

"Good Heavens, no," the man says.

"Did you commit any... impure acts?"

"Certainly not!" the man exclaims.

"Well, then," the Father says. "You have not sinned. You owe no pennance, but you should give prayers of thanks to Jesus for liberating you from sin."

"Excellent," the man says. "Hypothetically, Father, what's the penalty for suddenly turning stone-cold homo?"

***

A man sits before a doctor, racked with worry.

"Well," the doctor says, "The problem with your eyes can be one of only two things. One, you could have Margaret Cho Deficiency Syndrome. To cure that, you'd have to watch Margaret Cho comedy specials eight hours a day for three months. After that, you'd be completely cured.

"Two," the doctor continued, "You might have cancer of the eyeballs. In which case, we'd have to first completely remove your eyeballs, blinding you permanently. And then we'd have to stab into your eyesockets with long needles loaded with chemotherapy treatement for up to two years, in order to keep the cancer from spreading to your brain. Even with that aggressive and painful treatment, you'd only have a ten percent chance of surviving six to 12 months."

A nurse walks into the room and hands the doctor a manilla folder. The doctor reads through the folder.

"Well," the doctor says, "Your biopsy's back. You've got cancer."

The man buries his face into his hands and begins sobbing. "Oh, thank God," he cries in relief. "You had me so worried it was the Margaret Cho thing."

***

A teacher is instructing her class on the alphabet. She's asking her students for words that begin with each letter of the alphabet, starting with A, ending with Z.

Dirty Johnny raises his hand for each letter. But the teacher can't call on him-- he's Dirty Johnny, and the teacher knows he'll say something filthy. For A, he'll say "Ass," so the teacher calls on Little Susie instead."

"Apple," Little Susie says.

"Good," the teacher says. "And now 'B'."

Dirty Johnny raises his hand eagerly, but the teacher knows he'll say "Balls." So she calls on Sweet Stevie.

"Butterfly," Sweet Stevie says.

"Very good, Stevie," the teacher says.

This goes on for the whole alphabet. The teacher avoids calling Dirty Johnny for each letter, knowing he'll say Cunt, Dick, Ejaculate, Fuckface, etc.

Finally the teacher comes to the letter "Z." The teacher can't think of a single dirty word that begins with "Z," so she finally decides to call on Dirty Johnny. She braces herself for the worst.

"Zebra," Dirty Johnny says.

The teacher sighs with relief. "Very good, Dirty Johnny."

"Thank you, teacher," Dirty Johnny says, grinning like a maniac. "And, oh, by the way: CBS is planning to give Margaret Cho a 13-episode commitment for a new family sitcom. The show is slated to co-star John Leguizamo."

The teacher excuses herself from the classroom, locks herself in the Janitor's Closet, and then hangs herself.

posted by Ace at 04:08 PM

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