Will Folks, The Sexiest Man Alive, Really Wants You To Believe He's Had Sex With a Lady

From I Bleed Crimson Red, a story so erotic , so controversial it's been suppressed by the government.

Until now.

To prove his "inappropriate physical relationship," he's finally releasing the gold-standard proof of an affair: An affidavit that he typed up and then sent to the media.

TO: [redacted] FROM: Will Folks, Carolina Cassanova; Expert Cocksman; Triple Degree Black Belt in Nine Styles of Erotic Martial Arts; Blogger RE: I Tapped That

Dear [redacted],

Rumors continue to swirl about whether I tapped that. I do not know where these rumors of tapping spring from. (By the way, did you hear? I tapped that.)

Per our last discussion re: my having tapped that, please find enclosed one (1) affidavit affirming the substance of my previous statement, to wit, I tapped that.

Please let this serve as a memorization of our discussion. I will not wallow further in these rumors that I am starting, except to say, I tapped that. I tapped that well.

I tapped that,

Will Folks

PLEASE TREAT THIS COMMUNICATION AS PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

BUT ALSO, TELL A FRIEND!

Among the revelations: They made out and stuff, always in parked cars (because that's what adults do, you know), conveniently never in a hotel where there at least might be a receipt.

In addition, Nikki Haley was very, very upset when Will Folks called it off. Yes, he called it off. Because he began tapping some other ass. And Nikki Haley asked him if she could please tell a third party, because she was so upset to lose him (and the the tapping), and really needed to talk about it with someone.

Now Folks may continue have no evidence that this happened, but then, Nikki Haley has no evidence it didn't happen.

Well, some evidence. She has this:

BTW: His story now makes less sense than it ever did.

His motivation for releasing this silly story, he claimed, was that he had to be honest due to his girlfriend, or whatever, wife I guess, and it he was telling this tale not because he's a cad but rather to appease her. It was really important to her, he alleged, that he set the record straight.

But now in this iteration he discloses that he broke it off (whatever "it" was; it now seems to be some making out) when he started dating his girlfriend, now wife (I guess).

Does this make any sense? Why would any woman feel threatened by and jealous of a woman her boyfriend had made out with previously but threw over to be exclusive and loyal to her?

You get jealous of people you're significant other is selecting over you. Not people they discard to be with you.

You've won that fight. Whence the jealousy?

posted by Ace at 12:57 PM

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