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August 13, 2010

Real Headline: "Albino Python On Cocaine Confronts Police"

It confronted them by saying "It's my life! I'll do what I want!! You're just jealous!"

So here's something.

The snake, which was three metres long and was kept hungry so that it would be more aggressive, was allowed to roam the apartment to scare addicts into paying for their drugs, police said.

Animal services were called to capture the snake, which was tempted into captivity using a whole chicken and sent to a nearby zoo.

The reptile had been resting on 200 grams of pure cocaine, and a further five kilograms were found in the apartment.

In other silly news:

Burger-related jaw industries on the rise in Taiwan.

Patients have had difficulty opening their mouths after munching giant burgers, said Professor Hsu Ming-lung, of National Yang-Ming University.

Problems can arise when tucking into burgers higher than 8cm (3ins), Hsu was quoted as saying by the China Post.

Hamburger-related injuries are on the rise, he warned.

They must be on the rise. You can only go up from zero. That's like saying that cases of men shouting "I am warning you for the last time -- stop sucking my c*** or I'm calling the police" are on the rise. (Old George Carlin joke, an example of a sentence never spoken before in history.)

The Ultimate Pub Crawl:

A team of iron-livered and golden-hearted British boozers have been on a marathon pub crawl that just took them to their 15,000th pub.

The four pals have racked up 250,000 miles and guzzled 92,000 pints over the past 26 years, drinking a beer in every county in Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and England, an achievement recognized by Guinness World Recordsm, according to The Mirror .

And last week they tipped their glasses at their 15,000th pub – The Watermill – in Kidderminster in England.

"It has been really exciting. It has taken 26 years to get to here – 10,000 pubs was a big milestone and to get to 15,000 it has taken another 9 years. I am chuffed to bits," pub crawler Peter Hill told The Shuttle newspaper in Kidderminster.

He also said he plans to donate his liver to science heavy industry.

Molested by a Mallard.

A 27-year-old Pennsylvania woman is suing Walt Disney Parks and Resorts, alleging that she was sexual assaulted by a Disney employee dressed up as Donald Duck. She says the incident took place at Disney World in 2008 and that it caused her post-traumatic stress disorder. Her $50,000 lawsuit, which says Donald Duck grabbed her breast then "made gestures making a joke indicating he had done something wrong," contends negligence, battery, and infliction of emotional distress...

What Victim Claims The Philadelphia Daily News' William Bender reports, "Beyond the humiliation of being groped by an anthropomorphic duck in a sailor suit, Magolon claims that the incident caused 'severe physical injury,' a 'shock to her entire nervous system,' 'muscle contraction headaches,' 'acute anxiety,' 'nausea, cold sweats, insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, digestive problems' and other conditions that are 'permanent in nature.' The episode also forced her to spend 'large sums of money for a ruined vacation' with her children and fiancé, according to the suit."

Guy's excuse for getting caught doing 103 mph? I'm dyslexic and can't read the speedometer.

I guess he thought he was only doing 301 mph.

This is heartbreaking: After telling us that Pluto was never really a planet, these damned scientists are now telling us triceratops wasn't a real dinosaur -- but just a young version of some other dinosaur.

It is one of the most recognisable dinosaurs, part of the Holy Trinity of childhood favourites alongside the brontosaurus and the mighty T-Rex. But now scientists say that the fearsome three-horned triceratops may never have existed.

Instead new research has raised the possibility that the triceratops was just a young version of a different dinosaur known as a torosaurus.

John Scannella and Jack Horner at the Museum of the Rockies in Bozeman, Montana analysed skulls from dinosaurs that had been classified as triceratops and torosaurus.

Both animals had three horns but at different angles and the torosaurus’ neck-frill was thinner, smoother and had two holes in it.

But the researchers say that the triceratops was just a young version of a torosaurus and its horns changed shape as the dinosaur aged.

When it reached maturity the holes developed in its neck-frill.

Eh, close enough.

And this isn't funny so much as horrifying. So horrifying I figured it was made up, but the article reads convincing. The term "Lithopedion" is on Wikipedia and stuff.

In a bizarre turn of events straight out of Mr. Ripley’s personal files, comes this true story of a 92-year-old woman who delivered a child (albeit not a live baby) she had been carrying for over half a century! (Long pregnancies are one thing, but THAT is ridiculous!)

Huang Yijun, aged 92, is from southern China and she recently made news after delivering a baby known as a lithopedion, aka ‘Stone Baby’.

Huang Yijun told the press she didn’t have the money to have her fetus removed after doctors told her it had died inside her in 1948.

So she simply did nothing at all about it.

Lithopedion is a very rare medical phenomenon, which occurs when a pregnancy fails and the fetus actually calcifies while still in the mother’s body.

Thanks to Peligro for the first three, then ArthurK for the next two, then Snapped Shot.

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posted by Ace at 04:32 PM

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