Larry "Ladykiller" Marchant: Sacred Honor and Eternal Conscience Now Compel Me To Talk Endlessly To Reporters About What I Imagine Sex With a Woman Might Be Like

What's amusing to me isn't that this guy is gayer than Liberace's boyfriend's hairdresser.

So, does a too-precious hairline and effeminate manner prove he's gay? Well, in legal terms, it doesn't prove it per se, but I would say the burden of proof has shifted to him.

This guy having a torrid one-night hook-up -- with a woman -- isn't fiction so much as it's science fiction.

Infidelity, sure, I buy that.

But I think this is one of those cases where a wife hears "I had an affair with a woman" and sighs with relief.

For legal reasons, let me say, I'm not saying he's gay. What I'm saying is, like commenter "conscious, but incoherent" says, If he's not gay, he really missed a golden opportunity.

But anyway. Okay, that does amuse me. (Liberace joke lifted from Alec Baldwin, either on SNL or 30 Rock, btw.)

But what really amuses me is that he, like Will "Integrity Kills" Folks before him, has such honorable reasons impelling him to things the rest of us would think are dishonorable.

Marchant said Wednesday: “I had to ask myself the question, when I was watching the press statements going back and forth between Ms. Haley and Mr. Folks, I had to ask myself whether I would be able to look at myself in the mirror every day knowing what I know. If I did not say anything, if I stood on the sideline and watched this happen, could I face myself in the mirror every day? And the answer was no.”

1, I get that, because he obviously looks in the mirror quite a bit, but 2, what about those times he's looking in the mirror with a video camera and a prostrate cabana boy?

Is that just jake? That doesn't tug at the Sacred Honor tripwires?

Marchant, who made headlines in December when he was charged with driving under the influence, said he told his pregnant wife last week about the one-night encounter with Haley.

Wednesday, his wife, Jennifer Marchant, told The State that she believes her husband.

First we had a wife-beater/cheater who told us that suddenly sacred honor compelled him to come forward with allegations of sex with Nikki Haley; now we have a drunk driver with a late-in-life kid on the way who claims an evidence-free liaison with Nikki Haley, and he, too, has come down with a bad case of sacred honor, his temperature, I'm told, reaching a dangerous 106 degrees F.

Doctors tried the ice-bath to cool his temperature, but in the end they ordered him to cool his conscience by babbling about one-night stands to the press.

Dan Riehl endorses Nikiki Haley on the theory that this is the only way to fight back against this programmed hit:

Folks' allegations never held up, as his claimed motivation didn't wash. How would it protect his wife for her to know that for years after ward, Folks has been praising a woman he allegedly slept with once, while going out of his way to point out how "hot" she was? That's total BS, as is much of what comes from the Daddy's basement dwelling misanthrope that is Will Folks.

Actually, what facts are known point more toward Folks getting cold feet after agreeing to push a smear he couldn't support, so a Bauer campaign consultant decided to take one for the team to try and put a failing campaign into a run-off. Any reward could come later, so I count the firing as BS, too.

We are never going to take government back by giving in to smear merchants and rumor mongers. The people of SC should base their decision on the candidates' records and statements of what they've done and would do going forward as regards South Carolina government.

And by that measure, Nikki Haley is the genuine reform candidate, wanting to accomplish good things for her state, bringing much needed changes. I've no intention of giving in to semi-connected wannabe king, or queen makers, simply desperate to put themselves on the map, no matter the cost to a good person and fine family.

I have a different take -- it does really matter to me, more than I thought it would, if she did cheat. It's the husband-serving-overseas part that really bothers me. And of course the can't-win-a-general-if-it's-true part.

But, that said, Larry "I Break Bitches" Marchant's story seems fake to me.

Not only is he, well, you know, let's say highly unlikely to lose all sense of reason due to the charms of a woman. And not only does he work for Haley's competitor.

But -- see, let's go back to Will Folks. If Will Folks had the goods -- if he was about to drop a Proof Bomb on Haley -- then there would be no reason for Marchant to come forward. Let us just ignore the claim he did this out of conscience, as it's incandescently false. He did this as part of his work for the worm-ridden scumbag Andre Bauer.

But -- why should it have been necessary? Why should Andre Bauer damage himself by having one of his political consultants engage in this sleaze if it weren't necessary to do so? See, if Folks had a Smoking gun, Bauer would know that, and he would know then to stay out of this mess, let it damage Haley while he rides to victory.

But apparently Bauer seems to think that Will Folks isn't going to be able to prove an affair at all, thus necessitating the high-risk play of sending forth Hot Lips Marchant here out to the press.

My reasoning goes:

1. If Haley had an affair, there should be proof.

2. If Haley had an affair, Bauer knows that, and knows there's proof.

3. If Haley had an affair, Bauer can avoid getting involved in this tawdry hell and just go on to the primary, knowing that Folks will play the You Lose card in time to save him.

4. But Bauer didn't avoid getting involved.

To me, then, that suggests that there is no proof, and, ergo, there was no affair.

I'm not really exactly confident of that reasoning but this Marchant cat is lighting up my gaydar even more than the time I watched volleyball scene in Top Gun in Boy George's sex dungeon while RuPaul was giving me a hands-free pedicure.

And Folks seems like a pathetic loser with nothing left to lose.

So: Provisionally, until there really is conclusive proof -- and Will "Conscience Compels Me" Folks and Larry "Conroy Compels Me" Marchant really ought to have it -- I'm just not crediting this as possibly true any further.

Maybe it is possibly true. Fine. Then let those who have proof produce it.

posted by Ace at 04:56 PM

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