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| Cool Health Facts from Joe Biden »
April 30, 2009
Coolheaded, Comforting Vice President Reassures Nation on Swine Flu: I Don't Want to Say It's Time to Panic, But OH MY GOD IT'S TIME TO PANIC!Don't close the borders-- that would be an overreaction. However, you should yank your kids out of school and also avoid public transportation like planes and subways. "Wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now," he says. "That's me." He cites the difference between someone sneezing in an "open field" and someone sneezing in a classroom, plane, or subway. : I would tell members of my family, and I have, that I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. It’s not that it’s going to Mexico, in a confined aircraft when one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me. I would not be, if I had another way, another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway. He stops just short of recommending locking yourself in a stainless steel sensory deprivation pod for the next year, year and a half. But -- don't close the borders. That would be rash. I haven't been this reassured by an executive officer since Barack Obama threatened to crash Air Force One into the Statue of Liberty. But "that's me." Rahm Emmamuel just emailed me to say "Never waste a pandemic." He thinks he can link swine flu to support for doubling teachers' salaries. "They're operating in a war zone 24/7," he explains. I asked him if that meant soldiers should double their salaries, too, but he pirouetted away, which is sort of hard to do in an email. And yet he pulled it off, with moxie and panache. Incidentally... I had to visit a friend in the hospital yesterday (everything's cool, don't worry). That's why I disappeared. Anyway, let me tell you, it was wonderful standing amidst likely illegal aliens who were all wearing the facial masks recommended to anyone exhibiting "flu-like symptoms." I could almost taste the pathogens. Mwah! They were, how you say, magnifique. So, in related news, it turns out I'll be dead in 72 hours. Avenge me.
Watch the video. Tapper objects "That's not even remotely close" to what Biden said in Gibbs' first attempt at "re-contextualizing" the remark; when Gibbs then says "I'm telling you what he meant to say," the press room breaks out in laughter.
So the other day, some friends of mine and I were sitting around Katie's Diner, having waffles and goofing around. Without warning, this guy at the table sneezed three times. We knew it was swine flu, and we didn't want to cause a panic so we calmly and rationally beat him to death with our chairs. God love 'im. | Recent Comments
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Gun Thread: Second September Edition! Food Thread: Steak: Maybe The Government Won't Screw It Up! First-World Problems... The "Philadelphi Corridor" Is The Key To Gaza...Anyone Who Pressures Israel To Relinquish Their Control Wants Hamas To Survive Sunday Morning Book Thread - 09-08-2024 ["Perfessor" Squirrel] Daily Tech News 8 September 2024 Saturday Overnight Open Thread (9/7/24) Saturday Evening Movie Thread 09/07/2024 [TheJamesMadison] Hobby Thread - Sept 7, 2024 [TRex] Search
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