« LAST BUMP: Morons, Assemble! | Main | Axelrod, Other Top Obama Advisers Served with Blago Subpoenas Dec. 8th »
January 23, 2009

This Just In: Women are Dirty, Dirty Whores

They're getting sexually aroused by bonobo monkeys fornicating. So why the hell can't I even get a hand-jay?

Oh, and they're liars too.

While the subjects watched on a computer screen, Chivers... measured their arousal in two ways, objectively and subjectively... The genitals of the volunteers were connected to plethysmographs [also known as "bonermeters" -- ace]...

The men, on average, responded genitally in what Chivers terms “category specific” ways. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women....

All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly... as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more. Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos.

Monkeys? You sick twists are getting off on monkeys?

I guess we know which gender came up with "hot monkey sex."

Based on Chivers' research, the following is the most sexually arousing video for women ever produced. It's got it all.

Oh, and this is the best song to make love to:

New strategy to get your wife to screw you: "The Mighty Joe Hung."

Thanks to EdC.

But Seriously... ThomasD suggests what occurred to me almost immediately, that this is not really "sexual arousal" per se as we think of it, but merely a completely automatic, inborn reaction to the thought of sex -- even undesired sex -- so as to prepare women for it, should they actually have sex.

In other words, this might be as non-indicative of actual sexual arousal as morning wood. No one ever studies morning boners and concludes "Sleep makes men horny." It's just something your joint does while you're asleep, like Norton AntiVirus performing background monitoring.

I read four of the seven (seven!) pages of this article, and this notion wasn't mentioned at all. I think because it's non-sexy, and kinda just demolishes all provocative, exciting conclusions this research suggests (but doesn't prove).

Porn for Women! Here's some bonobos having hot monkey sex.

Content Warning. Because I guess I see what might be doing the trick in women's minds: The monkeys look an awful like humans when they hump, in terms of motions and postures.


From Carin, who'll be in her bunk.

digg this
posted by Ace at 07:23 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
redridinghood: "Definitely would not hang. ..."

Captain Obvious, of the sloop John B.: "Noah was too drunk to hide his junk. No incest. ..."

Skip: "The two sons produced were Moab and Ammon who beca ..."

Wolfus Aurelius [/i] [/b]: "[i]Are there names for his daughters or just daugh ..."

eleven: "Have another bowl of wine, Pops. ..."

Insomniac - Ex Cineribus Resurgo: "65 I thought it was Noah who got drunk and had his ..."

Bruce: "50 comments in, and no one has said "Boobs!" yet? ..."

Boots: "And of course I'm late to the party again! Nood ..."

ghost of hallelujah: "Say what you will about Lot, but the man drank his ..."

Wolfus Aurelius [/i] [/b]: "Wait. Each daughter got Lot drunk, and then got p ..."

m: ">>>He was not aware of it when she lay down or whe ..."

Boswell : ">>my lowlife Brooklyn block as ni--er chasers. ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64