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January 22, 2009

How To Get Your Wife To Screw You

Empire of Jeff writes [lightly adapted]:

Scenario: She's tired and can't have sex because kids are awake in the house.

Strategy: "The Gulf of Tonkin Incident" -

This maneuver works best with multiple children. You either move something they were told not to touch or break some minor appliance. Call them all together and demand to know who did this. Of course, being innocent, they will all deny it. At that point, you blow up and scream "ALL OF YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME DOWN UNTIL ONE OF YOU ADMITS IT!!!! I AM EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!"

They'll head upstairs in tears, and while Mommy is securing her own ball gag to the sounds of crying and accusations flying between your children, you can rest assured that you have at least ten minutes of uniterrupted scrogging to look forward to.

I think there's a riff here but I'm having trouble keeping it going myself.

But I do so love the "Funny Strategy Name"/"Ridiculous Plan" joke structure.

Another One from Empire of Jeff: Again, lightly adapted to match the previous format.

Scenario: Wife demands she be allowed to rest "for ten minutes," during which time she falls asleep.

Strategy: Human Missile Crisis

I often run into the excuse of "I just need ten minutes to myself." Then she'll use that time to fall asleep.

When that occurs more than once, I'll go to the Mutually Assured Destruction phase. "You need ten minutes? Take twenty, honey. But when I get back, and you won't wake up, I'm putting my dick on your cheek."

Mutually Assured Destruction, because I may not be getting laid, but she damn sure won't be falling back asleep anytime soon.

My Own Plan:

Scenario: Wife is Always Tired

Strategy: Swing Kid Switcheroo

Tell your wife you impulsively signed up for a swing-dancing class, starting tonight. Apologize for springing this on her, but say that you know she always wanted to learn to swing-dance, and that you're sorry if she's too tired, and that if she is too tired, you can always reschedule for a class beginning six months for now.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that this class goes "all out" the first day, and she can expect to be immediately launched into some very vigorous dance moves.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that in swing dance, sometimes the female partner will swing the male partner to the floor, and this requires a fair amount of exertion and strength.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that the class is two hours long and a half hour away, so she's looking at a three hour commitment.

She will say she's not too tired.

Tell her, "Great, then blowing me for twenty minutes should be a fucking walk in the park."

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posted by Ace at 05:13 PM

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