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November 24, 2008

Top Ten Signs That Unnamed 20-for-20 Marine Marksman Might Be a Badass

10. Never goes anywhere without his "bible," a pocket-sized copy of the inspirational words of R. Lee "Full Metal Jacket" Ermey, titled Get the Fuck Off My Obstacle You Disgusting Fatbody

9. Beat the shit out of his company commander for right to dress in nonstandard uniform, which just happens to be exact costume worn by "The Humungous" from The Road Warrior

8. Just signed up as host of MTV's new show, Pimp My Vital Organs and/or Brain Stem

7. Known among his fellow Marines for passion for wrestling alligators and, also, fucking them ("They gotta feel like they've been beaten," he explains)

6. Only living American to receive France's highest military decoration, Le Palme d' Batman (with Wolverine cluster)

5. In his spare time, invents completely impractical new weapons, like the "Sword-Rifle," the "Whip-Rifle, and the "Nunchuck-Rifle;" no one argues with him, because he's also the inventor of a new form of debate, "Long-Ranged Ballistic Rhetoric"

4. Secret ingredient in his self-loaded high-power cartridges' gunpowder mix? See page 44 of Natural Harvest: A collection of semen- based recipes

3. Lists his hobbies as flyfishing, woodcrafting, and perfecting his own primitive diamond-cannon just in case the President declares war on the Gorn Empire

2. Creator of his own style of martial arts, Jeet Kun Wae-Do Fah Zho, or "Harmonious Way of Shooting People in Their Fucking Faces"

...and the number one sign the unnamed 20-for-20 Marine Marksman just might be a badass...

1. Uses phrase "I'd hit it" with air of chilling menace

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posted by Ace at 09:29 PM

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