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Update: Not Nearly as Bad as I Thought
September 17, 2008

Unfunny, No-Account Sad Clown Offering Bristol Palin $25,000 if She Has an Abortion

Funny, comics knew to lay off Chelsea Clinton and the Gore Girls. They knew that to attack them would result in blackballing from Comedy Central and Letterman and etc.

Saving Bristol

Never in history has a woman been under more pressure to keep an unwanted pregnancy than Bristol Palin. She is the teenage daughter of Alaska Governor & Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin - a conservative, Creationist Christian power-vampire and pro-life huckster who has put Bristol and her un-welcomed fetus at the center of a politico-religious crusade to stop her exercising her constitutional right to terminate the pregnancy.

Rather than sit back and impotently bemoan Bristol's tragic, lonely circumstance, it is time for us - the silent majority - to unite behind this poor, imprisoned woman and save her from both a tyrannical household as well as the horrible nightmare of a forced childbirth.

These are not empty words. I, Doug Stanhope, am offering you, Bristol Palin, the sum of 25,000 dollars so that you can abort your child and move out of that draconian home. I have also set up a PayPal link so that others around the world can help increase this amount to ease the burden of starting out on your own at such an early age.

I was once in a similar situation where I'd accidentally impregnated a girl and she had to make that same fateful decision that now faces you. It was easy for her - she didn't have a fascist, oligarch parent, the entire Republican Party or the sneering eyes of the Christian Right to contend with, much less a daft, puppet boyfriend who's just waiting for the cameras to stop rolling so he can bolt like a gazelle.

We made the right choice and rather than end up bitter rivals in court battles over custody or support, we are great friends who high-five over our decision and have all the free time and disposable income that young mothers never know. I now pay it forward and offer some of that money to you.

You don't need to ruin your future in order to support the megalomaniacal self-promotion of a mother whose every action is rooted in a demonic ego and archaic superstition. Don't become victim of the same pressure that had your brother "volunteering" for duty in Iraq.

Please consider my offer as time is of the essence. You don't want this child, the father certainly doesn't want this child and the world doesn't need another wailing mouth to feed.

Anyone want to bet this no-talent ass-clown actually gets more work than ever?

Ah... Douglas Stanhope introduces a very special guest, someone he says he's a big fan of: Truther Alex Jones.

It's good to know that I now have a reason to not know who the fuck Doug Stanhope is. And that I have a reason to have avoided the lame Comedy Central shows they air at three o'clock in the morning.

And all this time I thought I just didn't like him because he wasn't funny. And, well, because I never heard of him.

I actually think I did see him one time -- accidentally. I think he was at the Comedy Cellar when I went there to see Dan Naturman, Colin Quinn, Dave Atell, Jim Norton, Nick DiPaolo... you know, funny people you've actually heard of.

I believe he was either a "middle" -- a lame comic they stick in the middle because it's the openers that set the mood for the whole set and the closers that send people out with good memories; and, in longer sets, a weak comic they stick between two stronger ones to minimize the damage he can do by bringing down the room's energy -- or the fucking emcee, which is even lower than a middle. The emcee gets to tell a lot of good jokes, like "Give it up for Colin Quinn" and "Come on, come on, one more hand for Dan Naturman."

If I can't remember whether I actually saw him or not -- well, that just shows you the comedic firestorm that is Doug Stanhope.

How Unfunny Is He? Apparently he didn't even have the chops to host a Girls Gone Wild video-- today's equivalent of burlesque show comics, the lowest of the low.

Stanhope is the dipshit that ran The Man Show into the ground. He's also the dipshit who did one of those Girls Gone Wild videos and was so annoying that the guy who runs those videos, Joe Francis, used his next few infomercials to mock him and promise GGW fans that Stanhope wouldn't be returning.

How bad a comic do you have to be to actually distract from tits and college girls making out?

In that kind of video, you either have to be exceptionally good or dreadfully bad to even be noticed at all. Seems to me that Doug Stanhope got a lot of notice.

How fucking pathetic.

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posted by Ace at 03:01 PM

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