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September 08, 2008

Rooting for CERN [krakatoa]

I'm in the Chicago area again on business. Hell, this is going to be my second home for the foreseeable future, so I'm trying to get a feel for the area and find interesting places and events to blow some free time.

When I was here earlier this year, I checked out Frank Lloyd Wright's homeplace. That guy was just an incredible architect. Obsessive-compulsive as all hell, which means he'd create the most uncomfortable chairs in the world just because they fit the overall design, but there is no denying his genius.

Today I spent a few hours at Fermilab as they explained their efforts to try and prove the existence of the Higgs boson particle before their evil competitors at CERN power up next week and put an end to the universe. Fermi has an incredible campus, with many walking trails through damn near pristine prairie. Absolutely lovely setting for a juxtaposition of the pursuit of the so-called "God Particle" against the looming threat of the destruction of the world.

Normally such talk of imminent annihilation would make me nervous, and have me thinking perhaps a trip to France to drop an Ionic Breeze in some inconspicuous corner of their ginormous collider was in order.

But then I found out about this abomination to humanity in Elgin called the Scandinavian Day Festival.

The article claims that Food is the star at this festival, and goes on to describe many of the so-called delicassies. I'm sorry, these descriptions are supposed to make me like these sleet-huffing ice-jockeys?

Aebleskiver.

"A delicate pastry filled with seal blubber, yellow ice, and topped with the moulded scrapings of dried lutefisk."

Uff da burgers.

"Uff da" is a Norwegian phrase that means "I find your odor reminiscent of a leprous reindeer anus stuffed with pickled penguin's testes."

The article goes on to describe the goals of these glacier-worshiping snow-pagans.

The festival aims to advance the Arctic Liberation Front, a confederated movement including Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark and Iceland. Activities include reindeer hurdles, a traditional dance called "The Arctic Rimmer", an indoctrination service where people are "Scandinized" in Ice-olation chambers with Bjork's '107 Steps' * piped in on a continuous loop, and a Viking encampment.

They must be stopped, and so, am asking for a moronolanche - letter campaign to write CERN immediately and ask them if they could move their start date up to Tuesday, and really, if it's not too much trouble, Monday. Remember, they are French, so try to be diplomatic and leave suggestions regarding their persistent fecal-Roquefort odor to a minimum.


*
107 Steps

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen
Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,

Twenty, twenty one, twenty two, twenty three,
Twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven,
Twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty ...

Thirty one, thirty five, thirty eight, fourty two,
Fourty eight, fifty one, fifty four, fifty eight
Sixty four, sixty eight, sixty nine, seventy five

Seventy nine, eighty three, eighty six, eighty nine, ninety three
One hundred steps

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posted by xgenghisx at 02:42 AM

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