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August 20, 2008

Have I Mentioned This is the Funniest Site on the Web?


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All quotes from Michelle Obama, of course.

Michelle's Inferno

The first circle of Hell: suffocating fear

"People are afraid. Itís like fear creates this veil of impossibility, and it is hanging over all of our heads."

The second circle of Hell: fear plus isolation

"And the problem with fear is that it cuts us off. Fear is the worst enemy. It cuts us off from one another and our own families, and our communities, and it has certainly cut us off from the rest of the world. We don't know our neighbors. We don't talk. We believe that our pain is our own - we don't realize that the struggles and challenges of all of us are the same. We are too isolated."

The third circle of Hell: spiraling downward

"When you donít have much, when you know how precious life is, even in the worst state, you are afraid to give up what you have for fear that something different will be worse. But the truth of the matter is things have gotten worse."

The fourth circle of Hell: fruitless struggle

"And folks are struggling like never before, working harder than ever, believing that their hard work will lead to some reward, some payoff. But what they find is that they get there and the bar has changed, things are different, wasnít enough. So you have to work even harder."

The fifth circle of Hell: yet more fruitless struggle

"You work and you struggle, you do everything that they say, and you think youíre getting close to the bar and youíre working hard, and youíre sacrificing, and then you get to the bar, youíre right there, youíre reaching out for the bar, you think you have it, and then what happens? They move the bar. They raise it up. They shift it to the left and to the right. Itís always just quite out of reach."

The sixth circle of Hell: loneliness

"You donít have time to get to know your neighbor. You donít have time to reach out and have conversations, to share stories. In fact, you feel very alone in your struggle, because you feel that somehow, it must be your fault that youíre struggling so hard. Everybody else must be doing okay. I must be doing something wrong, so you hide."

The seventh circle of Hell: no handle on life

"When your worldís not right, no matter how hard you work, then you become afraid of everyone and everything, because you donít know whose fault it is, why you canít get a handle on life."

The eighth circle of Hell: no chance for enlightenment

"On top of all the other worries that families have, now theyíre worried about education. Teachers donít have the resources to teach."

The ninth circle of Hell: back-breaking labor until the day you die

"My father, like most Americans, just wanted to know that after a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice that one day, he could put his feet up and look over all that he had done and retire with a little respect and dignity. Thatís all most Americans want. But the truth is, right now, that little nugget of a dream that was my life is getting further and further out of reach for most Americans."

There's a category called "Economics in Hell." (Also, "Motherhood in Hell," etc.)

Here's one from that category:

Every time Satan opens a window, he slams a door

..

What's a $317,000 salary worth if your employer callously fails to guarantee that you'll be a good parent?

"Throughout my life I have been told that I could have it all. And the truth of the matter is that you can't. We have to lift up our voices in these places of business and demand that CEOs and owners of large companies take the necessary steps to make sure that women like me can continue to work and raise our families and be good parents and mothers."

Every. Single. Word. Is Funny.

Every word.

Tell me if I'm lying.


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posted by Ace at 08:04 PM

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