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August 08, 2008

Top Ten Tom Matzzie Threats

10. "Cease and desist all support of the GOP immediately, or I will be forced, per my right of redress as defined in USC 15-101 (s) 4 et seq., to sit on your face."

9. "I just updated my dating status on Facebook to say you and I are "Hookin' Up." How ya like them apples?"

8. "I've raised $40 million from George Soros to run a negative ad campaign against your daughter Bethany, accusing her of 'Flip-Flopping' on whether she went to third with Brian 'Bro-an' Feeney, and also of having 'swamp-ass.'"

7. "Lovely dog you have. You call her 'Ginger'? That's funny. I know her as 'Sandwich.'"

6. "THIS IS SWEATY TALC FROM MY FETID ARMPITS. TAKE PENACILLIN [sic] NOW."

5. "I see your sister is planning a September wedding. Maybe I'll just show up in a back pew, near the exits, and announce my objections via the ol' 'One-Cheek Sneak.' Be aware, my 'sneaks' are not exactly ninja-like in their stealthiness. Unless you're talking about a ninja rhinoceros with irritable bowel syndrome and a belly full of Sloppy Joes."

4. [Envelope contains nothing but what appears to be a human finger smeared in Miracle Whip and diabetic steak sauce.]

3. "I just rubbed my saggy, pimple-pocked dumper all over the interior of your SUV... Enjoy that 'Factory-Fresh Ass.' LOL. Next week? You'll luxuriate in my 'Rich Corinthian Ball-Leather.'"

2. "I'm currently engaging your Aunt Mavis in a whirlwind online romance under the name 'DoctorThomasBagg.' T-Bag. Savvy? I don't want to make idle threats, but the CDC classifies my rancid taint as a Level 4 'Hot Zone.'"

...and the Number One Tom Matzzie Threat...

1. "Predator-Prey. Google it."

Apologies: It seemed like this should be a gimme, but I'm not funny anymore and furthermore I may have actually matured out of my fat-jokes phase. I sweated this out like Tom Matzzie eating a barrel of Hiroshima Hot Wings.


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posted by Ace at 01:49 PM

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