Update: CBS Follows CNN's Lead in Editing Out Bush-Threat in Story; After Letting Story Rile Up the "Progressives" for a Few Hours, CNN Finally Re-Edits Story to Add Bush Threat Back In | Main | Even George McGovern Says Obama's Too Leftist on Unions
August 08, 2008

Top Ten Tom Matzzie Threats

10. "Cease and desist all support of the GOP immediately, or I will be forced, per my right of redress as defined in USC 15-101 (s) 4 et seq., to sit on your face."

9. "I just updated my dating status on Facebook to say you and I are "Hookin' Up." How ya like them apples?"

8. "I've raised $40 million from George Soros to run a negative ad campaign against your daughter Bethany, accusing her of 'Flip-Flopping' on whether she went to third with Brian 'Bro-an' Feeney, and also of having 'swamp-ass.'"

7. "Lovely dog you have. You call her 'Ginger'? That's funny. I know her as 'Sandwich.'"

6. "THIS IS SWEATY TALC FROM MY FETID ARMPITS. TAKE PENACILLIN [sic] NOW."

5. "I see your sister is planning a September wedding. Maybe I'll just show up in a back pew, near the exits, and announce my objections via the ol' 'One-Cheek Sneak.' Be aware, my 'sneaks' are not exactly ninja-like in their stealthiness. Unless you're talking about a ninja rhinoceros with irritable bowel syndrome and a belly full of Sloppy Joes."

4. [Envelope contains nothing but what appears to be a human finger smeared in Miracle Whip and diabetic steak sauce.]

3. "I just rubbed my saggy, pimple-pocked dumper all over the interior of your SUV... Enjoy that 'Factory-Fresh Ass.' LOL. Next week? You'll luxuriate in my 'Rich Corinthian Ball-Leather.'"

2. "I'm currently engaging your Aunt Mavis in a whirlwind online romance under the name 'DoctorThomasBagg.' T-Bag. Savvy? I don't want to make idle threats, but the CDC classifies my rancid taint as a Level 4 'Hot Zone.'"

...and the Number One Tom Matzzie Threat...

1. "Predator-Prey. Google it."

Apologies: It seemed like this should be a gimme, but I'm not funny anymore and furthermore I may have actually matured out of my fat-jokes phase. I sweated this out like Tom Matzzie eating a barrel of Hiroshima Hot Wings.


digg this
posted by Ace at 01:49 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Zod: ">>I can still hear that +20 years after visiting D ..."

Warai-otoko: "Re: Philly nonsense... Tell em to eff off. It' ..."

bluebell ~ now we're cookin'!: "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine Posted by: TheQuie ..."

TheQuietMan: "Rob 'crooked Democrat' Emanuel is thumbing his nos ..."

Puddleglum: "[i]99 Recall I posted a link that the Philly city ..."

TheQuietMan: " Random, you want to tell them what the puzzle say ..."

Zod: ">>I can't tell anyone else but my husband because ..."

Captain Hate: "[i]Of course, he needs to be innocent to pull this ..."

J.J. Sefton: " 114 And unfortunately, over the years, far too ..."

bjstuggzzz: "I'm really excited about this victory in a war I h ..."

Stringer Davis [/i][/b]: "The greatest shooter in history left the range, la ..."

bluebell ~ now we're cookin'!: "JJ, would you mind adding that the winnah is rando ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64