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June 15, 2008

Do Androids Dream of Electric Pimps? [krakatoa]

With this on the horizon, Canada is going to be suffering more than just a lack of live strippers.

I know we've discussed this before here. We are a "very smart military blog" after all, and if there's one thing the military needs, it's high morale.

But you know what? Many civilians need a morale boost as well, and, as the man says:

There are many millions of people in the world who have nobody. They might be shy or they might have some psychological hang-ups or psycho-sexual hang-ups, they might have personality problems, they might be ugly ..."

People like, well, like your average Ace O' Spades moron. For those of you suffering from an unfair burden of ugliness, a foul smell, insignificant naughty bits, an overabundance of humps, or a propensity to post about turtles, rest easy tonight.

And try to rest easy for the next five years of nights, give or take. You salvation is coming, and it will be wicked awesome:

Robots as sex toys should already be on the market within five years, predicted Levy, "a sort of an upgrade of the sex dolls on sale now".

Your fem (or men)-bot fetish will be the size and shape you desire, programmed with the personality and voice you have always dreamed your lover would have. Indeed:

"These would have electronic speech and sensors that make them utter "nice sounds" when a human caresses their "erogenous zones".

Now, don't get too worried about that last part. As with those Star Wars model kits most of you spend endless hours assembling, instructions will be included with definitions of what exactly an "erogenous zone" is, and how to go about eliciting the most favorable response from your metal booty-call.

Furthermore, the plasticine pimps that will sell these latex lovers will understand basic market forces.

A robot could conceivably be programmed with a will of its own and the ability to reject his human partner ... but that would be a very difficult robot to sell.

Amen, brother. A - frick'n - men. The people buying these are going to be fragile enough as it is.

The only problem I have is that of all the examples I've seen in film, or read of in books, the one that never fails to turn my crank would probably put me on the outs with polite society:

Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

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posted by xgenghisx at 11:47 PM

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