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April 23, 2008

Dutch Discover Sure-Fire Way to Cure Chronic Layabouts: Shirley MacLaine-Style Past-Life "Regression Therapy"

Shirley you can't be serious.

Ahhh... Europeans. So... how you say? Sophisticatique. Or something.

The long-term Dutch unemployed are being forced into “regression therapy” in the hope that coming to terms with past lives will help them find a job.

Use of the New Age technique has sparked controversy after an unemployed woman in Maastricht was sent on a 10-week course at a cost of £720.
Other unco-operative welfare claimants have been told they will lose benefits unless they accept the guidance of a regression therapist to help them get in touch with their past lives.


Klaas Boffcher, at the Dutch Ruach Boraka Centre for Complementary Therapy, uses the technique to help “people find experiences from past identities that could be negatively affecting them today”.


“Reincarnation therapy is regression to a previous life. People’s complaints and problems have causes not just in the present but also in previous lives.”

Meh. This isn't very funny but it's the best I can do and I want to post this article.

"You are in deep state of relaxation Horst... Now open your eyes -- not your physical eyes, keep those shut. Open your spirit eyes and tell me what you see."

-- "All around are soldiers... My God, it's Napoleon's Army! I'm at Waterloo!"

"And what are you doing, Horst?"

-- "Nothing really. Other guys are loading barrels of gunpowder onto carts. I'm sitting on my ass eating some chocolate."

"And how does that make you feel?"

-- "Good. I fancy chocolate."

"Do you feel a sense of obligation to join your fellow soldiers in their labors?"

-- "Ehhh... not so much. They're doing just fine. Besides, we're going to lose. What's the point?"

"Good point, good point... okay, now shut your spirit eyes and let your soul drift through the Astral Plane to your previous life... Now open them, Horst. What do you see?"

-- "Sail cloth snapping in the salty air.... A tattered black flag lashing against a mast... I'm on a pirate ship! We're grappling with a merchantman!"

"And what are you doing?"

-- "I'm just chilling, man. Just watching it allll... unfold. It's very exciting."

"You don't feel the duty to pick up a cutlass and join your mates in the battle?"

-- "They seem to know what they're doing. They'll be fine."

"But they're counting on you, Horst."

-- "How do I know they're not counting on me to guard this bit of deckplank with my ass?"

"I really think you'd better serve your mates by fighting."

-- "Well, here we have two attractive, sound theories. But there's no obvious way to tell which is better. Prudence suggests I stick with what's working, and so far, my sit-on-my-fat-ass tactic seems to be working like gangbusters."

"Okay this isn't really working. Close your spirit-eyes again and open them. Where are you now?"

-- "Fields of ice all around... I'm wearing skins and pelts... My God, a mastodon is charging right at me! My cave-man hunt-leader is shouting at me to get out of the way!"

"Good, Horst! Get out of the way!"

-- "I don't know. I don't like the tone of this guy shouting at me. He's all bossy."

"He's trying to warn you to get out of the path of the raging mastodon!"

-- "It wouldn't kill him to say please. Or 'if you wouldn't mind.' Instead he's just grunting and hooting and jumping up and down waving his crude bone-spear. In a very superior fashion, I might add. Like he thinks the shit stuck to his matted, bloodstained pelt-skirt doesn't stink or something."

"Horst, if you don't move you're going to die."

-- "Maybe later. There's some nice soft prehistoric moss that has my ass's name all over it. Let me tuck this fur under my ass and plop down right on -- Oh wait, I'm dead. I guess Mr. Nose-Bone McShoutypants had a point there.... God I'm tired. Let me ask you, do you also offer 'nap therapy'?"

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posted by Ace at 12:00 PM

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