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March 27, 2008

Christian Church Discovers Bold Way To Make Itself More Relevant and Inclusive -- Omit All That Divisive Christ-Stuff

Let's face it, we can do with a lot less of this controversial "God" stuff as well.

The pastor, Rev. Gretta Vosper, has had it with “Big God-ism” and wants to turn the West Hill United Church into a New Age encounter group. Vosper says that the world has outgrown Jesus Christ and the church is finished unless it gives up God, Jesus, and pretty much the entire Bible, except possibly for the Sermon on the Mount. Her new book, With or Without God, makes plain her hostility to the tenets of Christianity over the last two millenia and the need to replace God with Human.

Below, a repost of an old Top Ten.


Top Ten Mandated Changes to Make Christianity More Politically Correct and "Inclusive"

10. "Christian fish" logos must be certified by the EPA as dolphin-safe

9. Key lyric of Martin Greenbaum's hippie-Christian anthem, Spirit in the Sky, changed from "I've got a friend named Jesus" to less-divisive "I've got a friend named Walter"

8. Good Friday officially renamed "Passable Friday;" Ash Wednesday officially renamed "the Day Before Thursday"

7. Placards displaying "John 3:16" outlawed at sporting events; spectators wishing to display their spiritual beliefs may substitute oversized foam-finger bearing the corporate slogan "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!"

6. The requirement that an actual belief in Christ is required to be a Christian ruled discriminatory; churches must offer alternative methods of qualification, such as "celebrating the magical joy of a baby's smile" or "just sitting in the park, thinking about Nature and shit"

5. Christ's words are modified to make them less "harsh" and "hostile" to non-believers; "I am the Way and the Light" changed to "I am the Way and the Light, if you believe in that kind of thing, and assuming that's your bag"

4. By government fiat, Christian Heaven becomes history's first open-enrollment paradise; no particular belief system is required for entry, but applicants must have either a high-school diploma or eight weeks of N.E.A.-approved adult education (in cooking, basic automotive maintenance, or modern Spanish flamenco guitar)

3. Common name "Christopher" -- from the Latin for "Christ-Bearer" -- declared intolerant and offensive; by court order, all men named Christopher have their first names immediately changed to "Mitch" (also acceptable: Walter; see Number 9 above)

2. New Testament rewritten to delete references to Caiaphas and other Jewish priests; henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die Hard

...and the Number One Mandated Change to Make Christianity More Politically-Correct and "Inclusive"...

1. Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santie Clause, and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (a.k.a., "The Spirit of Diversity")

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posted by Ace at 01:55 PM

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