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March 27, 2008

LAT Admits MaXXXimum PWNag3 In Tupac Docs Report

Surprise! Online org The Smoking Gun turns out to have a more finely tuned bullshit detector than the J-school dweebs at the LAT.

Patterico's article is especially interesting because it does suggest an answer as to who killed Tupac Shakur.

Who did?

All of us.

And: You're welcome.

No, seriously, it was (the theory goes) Suge Knight in cooperation with a corrupt LAPD officer; it's the latter element that keeps law enforcement from digging in too deep.

Sorry... About the Tupac joke. He was a real talent. I'm told.

I guess white people can't understand the shock caused in the black community by Tupac's death, nor the feelings of suspicion and powerlessness engendered by the still-unsolved case.

So I, having joined Senator Obama's Great National Dialogue on Race, will try to explain it to my fellow white people.

It's like this:

Suppose a beloved musical figure in the white community -- oh, let us say, John Mayer -- got into a feud with an "East coast" singer also much beloved, let's say... Ben Folds.

So John Mayer is always singing about what a punk-ass bitch Ben Folds is, and Ben Folds responds by saying he's going to take the "hos" in John Mayer's "stable" and "turn them out" for his own profit. Such hos being, I don't know, Sarah MacLachlin and Melissa Etheridge. Maybe Jewel.

Suddenly John Mayer is gunned down during a concert where he's singing a heartfelt cover of Suzanne Vega's My Name Is Luca, and then, just a month later, Ben Folds is shot in front of a business he owns, a scuba/dive shop which also sells novelty bongs shaped like Spiro Agnew.

Suspicions range far and wide, most often involving superproducer Todd Rundgren, who produced Meat Loaf's albums, giving them that revolutionary "Wagnerian Rock" sound we all enjoy, and also scored a minor hit on his own with (I Just Wanna) Bang on This Drum. And yet no case can ever be brought against Todd Rundgren, because, well-- Meat Loaf. No one fucks with The Loaf.

Various East Coast/West Coast summits are arranged to bring the feuding wings of the Folk-Core community together, relying especially on "Old School" legends to quell the anger, but one of these ends in violence as Huey Lewis and two of the News get into some "shit" with the rhythm section of Mister Mister and an unidentified, minor sessions musician with Hall and Oates.

Who, it turns out later, is actually -- Oates.

So peace remains elusive. And the case remains unsolved.

And yet John Mayer somehow keeps putting out albums, from yet beyond the grave, a chilling reminder of the power of a single brave voice and an accoustic guitar.

And Todd Rundgren just keeps counting his money from Bat Out of Hell and Bat out of Hell 2: Back From Hell. Untouchable. And possibly in cahoots with Nickleback.

And even possibly-- Oates.

Anyway, I think that's what it's like.

Weird: For some reason talking about John Mayer reminded me of Michael Penn -- Sean Penn's bro.

I've been looking for this video foh-ev-eh and suddenly it's there when I check.

So it's not really related, but what the hell. Enjoy the flashback.

Too Easy, Too Obvious: To avoid the Carlos Mencia charge, I have to admit something that occurs to me now: This was just too easy and too obvious.

The fact that it was too easy, that it just popped into my head, makes me strongly suspect I heard or read this before.

And it's so obvious I'm sure it's been done before, even if I didn't actually hear or read it. It's just such an obvious premise someone had to have done it.

I can only say, hey, I don't actually remember hearing or reading this. But I think it's 90% likely I did, and even if I didn't, it's 100% likely someone else has done this basic riff before.

digg this
posted by Ace at 10:25 AM

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