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February 14, 2008

A V.D. True Story

I, a frequent commentator on this moron blog and sometime blogger on my own pathetic site, who prefers to be nameless for this post, due to as yet to be concluded legal procedings recently started dating a real live female thanks in part to the moron in chief, the CPAC blogger of the year, Web Blog Finalist for "2006" , Ace. You know you really should start looking at this place once every year or two big guy, it could use some updating.

[ring, ring, ring]

just a second...

Really? Completely frozen over? The hell you say, ha, ha, ha. Yea, that was kind of funny. No, I do not ski. No, do not snowboard either. You know what is causing this don't you.. GLOBAL WARMING. Yea well I am sure you can ask Al Gore about that bullshit yourself in another 20 or 30 years. OK, got to go, say hello to Adolph and Saddam.


Sorry about that.

The details after the jump

So this is my story and I am sticking to it... after 15 years of marriage, the last 5+ of which could best be described as a train wreck just waiting to happen, the derailment finally came about 4 months ago. So I packed up my math and computer science degrees and headed on out the door knowing full well the chance of me having a date, one date, singular, with a real life female I would consider acceptable in any shape or form by any definition of the word anytime soon... well Einstein himself could not compute those odds.

Then on December 13th, the little fuzzy fella we know as "Ace" posted something that had an impact on my life. This was back in those pre CPAC crazy blog money days when this moron blog was about the important things in life, like tits. And hate.

The post was titled Dr. Helen Aids and Abets Male Pussy Syndrome. While I am sure fair use rules do not really apply here, I will not post the whole thing because lets be honest, is anyone here even capable of reading an entire post? And I do not just mean the ones that contain the phrase "epic poem". Here is the important part:

Eh. Fathers, tell your sons: There's nothing noble or "nice" at all about pining silently for a woman you've befriended under false pretenses. Although asking a woman out is probably a futile action in most cases -- hey, if a woman likes a guy, she'll eventually chase him -- at least asking the question gets it over with and frees a guy up to stop wasting his time and move on to asking the next woman he's attracted to. And it just might be, maybe, that women are less than attracted to guys who don't have the sack to ask them out on a simple date.
Young men should be told this.
1) A girl worth pursuing is, well, worth actually pursuing, not just hanging out with as a "buddy" in hopes that she'll screw you when drunk or emotionally vulnerable. Maybe she'd like an actual courtship and pursuit rather than an awkward hook-up that winds up going on for a couple of months.
2) Girls like flattery and it's flattering to have someone express clear romantic interest.
3) If you think she's out of your league she probably is and you should move on. Still, never hurts to ask. See point 2, supra. At least if you've actually told her she's attractive you've identified yourself as having the exquisitely discerning taste to find her attractive, which puts you head and shoulders above most guys (see point 4, infra).
4) A distressingly high number of American men suffer from advanced male pussy syndrome. Pretty much if you nut up and ask a girl out you're already ahead of 80% of the pussies in your pussy cohort.
And most importantly:
5) Stop being such a little pussy bitch and ask her out already, you homo. Are you afraid of a fucking girl? What the fuck's the matter with you? I could understand if we were talking about making a move on Martin Fucking Riggs from Lethal Weapon, but we're not. Queer.

So fast forward a couple of weeks and I stumble across someone who is clearly out of my league. I am not talking some backup QB for the Dolphins who is somehow banging an SI swimsuit model kind of out of my league, I am talking full blown Lyle Lovett - Julia Roberts from years ago back when she was actually doable but only if Lyle was not as stylin and ruggedly good looking as he is and instead of being burdened with that musical talent crap, if he was simply known as the guy who is oncall to service the hotdog warmer during the night shift at the local AM/PM and in addition was ... I hate to even say it... a scandi. That kind of out of my league, and in case it was not clear, I am playing the part of Lyle. Now I am not saying I am a total loser, for example I have never once played D&D or World of Warcraft, I am not that much of a fucking loser but then again I have this site saved on my favorites list under "news". That was not a joke. Now I am not saying this lady is the best looking female I have ever dated, as God is my witness, I am saying she is the best looking female I have ever spoken to. I shit you not. Now let me go through a quick comparison between her and the not soon enough to be ex, she is 4 years younger, taller, a good 40 pounds lighter, makes more money, smarter, less liberal, wait, that was redundant, less likely to buy a new vehicle with my money without letting me know in advance and appears to want to actually hang out and do things with me. Now I know this sounds like a tough call... but... did I mention she also has an incredibly banging hot body?

So anywho, I remembered the post and decided I needed to find the damn thing and re read it. Yea, good luck finding it using Google and searching on the words pussy, homo and ace. You do not want to go there. Well needless to say, that plan didn't work out so well. So I had to review the archives but I could not remember when it was posted so I started looking through from the posts starting in early November. Bad guess. In case it was not clear to anyone, Juan McAmnesty, not so good on the immigration issue. So I finally find the damn thing, read it, read it again and eventually, the nut sack enlarges to the point where I am capable of having a regular conversation with this lady. And one day I asked her out to dinner "Still, never hurts to ask" as he said and Good God Almighty she said yes. We sat and talked at that restaurant for like an hour but somehow during that dinner some unexplained phenomenon managed to shift time and space ahead an additional 3 hours. It also must have clouded her judgement because at the end of the evening, she agreed to go out on a second date. And then just the other day, we had a second, second date. The only way I can explain this is she must be on some sort of experimental medication, there is no other possible logical explanation. All I know is I am sure as hell going to enjoy this while it lasts.

So now I ask 2 favors of you my fellow moron... one, if you are a dad and you have a son, let him read that post. Ok, you may want to edit out the word fuck and various forms of the word pussy but at least edit it in a way it still gets the point across. Unless of course, you are a homo. You are not a homo now are you? And second, try clicking on that donate link up there in the top left of the screen and kick Ace a couple of bucks. How many times over the course of however long that you have not had a life have you come here and left the site glad you stopped by... well ok... then just think of it as insurance against a dead hobo ending up on your front porch.

Now I know some of you are having a hard time relating to this since you have never been with a real live adult female not named mom and you know who you are {cough} {cough} JackM, LauraW, Tom {cough} {cough} I got to tell ya, I highly recommend it. They are soft and they smell good and have curves in just the right places.. just a second... I will be right back... no, no, wait...what was I thinking, that reminds me.

For Sale, one bunk, slightly used.

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posted by xgenghisx at 12:00 PM

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