Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!


Contact
Ace:
aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
CBD:
cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com


Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups






















« Berkeley Backpedals | Main | Happy Valentine's Day From Pakistan »
February 14, 2008

A V.D. True Story

I, a frequent commentator on this moron blog and sometime blogger on my own pathetic site, who prefers to be nameless for this post, due to as yet to be concluded legal procedings recently started dating a real live female thanks in part to the moron in chief, the CPAC blogger of the year, Web Blog Finalist for "2006" , Ace. You know you really should start looking at this place once every year or two big guy, it could use some updating.

[ring, ring, ring]

just a second...

Really? Completely frozen over? The hell you say, ha, ha, ha. Yea, that was kind of funny. No, I do not ski. No, do not snowboard either. You know what is causing this don't you.. GLOBAL WARMING. Yea well I am sure you can ask Al Gore about that bullshit yourself in another 20 or 30 years. OK, got to go, say hello to Adolph and Saddam.

[click]

Sorry about that.

The details after the jump


So this is my story and I am sticking to it... after 15 years of marriage, the last 5+ of which could best be described as a train wreck just waiting to happen, the derailment finally came about 4 months ago. So I packed up my math and computer science degrees and headed on out the door knowing full well the chance of me having a date, one date, singular, with a real life female I would consider acceptable in any shape or form by any definition of the word anytime soon... well Einstein himself could not compute those odds.

Then on December 13th, the little fuzzy fella we know as "Ace" posted something that had an impact on my life. This was back in those pre CPAC crazy blog money days when this moron blog was about the important things in life, like tits. And hate.

The post was titled Dr. Helen Aids and Abets Male Pussy Syndrome. While I am sure fair use rules do not really apply here, I will not post the whole thing because lets be honest, is anyone here even capable of reading an entire post? And I do not just mean the ones that contain the phrase "epic poem". Here is the important part:

Eh. Fathers, tell your sons: There's nothing noble or "nice" at all about pining silently for a woman you've befriended under false pretenses. Although asking a woman out is probably a futile action in most cases -- hey, if a woman likes a guy, she'll eventually chase him -- at least asking the question gets it over with and frees a guy up to stop wasting his time and move on to asking the next woman he's attracted to. And it just might be, maybe, that women are less than attracted to guys who don't have the sack to ask them out on a simple date.
Young men should be told this.
1) A girl worth pursuing is, well, worth actually pursuing, not just hanging out with as a "buddy" in hopes that she'll screw you when drunk or emotionally vulnerable. Maybe she'd like an actual courtship and pursuit rather than an awkward hook-up that winds up going on for a couple of months.
2) Girls like flattery and it's flattering to have someone express clear romantic interest.
3) If you think she's out of your league she probably is and you should move on. Still, never hurts to ask. See point 2, supra. At least if you've actually told her she's attractive you've identified yourself as having the exquisitely discerning taste to find her attractive, which puts you head and shoulders above most guys (see point 4, infra).
4) A distressingly high number of American men suffer from advanced male pussy syndrome. Pretty much if you nut up and ask a girl out you're already ahead of 80% of the pussies in your pussy cohort.
And most importantly:
5) Stop being such a little pussy bitch and ask her out already, you homo. Are you afraid of a fucking girl? What the fuck's the matter with you? I could understand if we were talking about making a move on Martin Fucking Riggs from Lethal Weapon, but we're not. Queer.

So fast forward a couple of weeks and I stumble across someone who is clearly out of my league. I am not talking some backup QB for the Dolphins who is somehow banging an SI swimsuit model kind of out of my league, I am talking full blown Lyle Lovett - Julia Roberts from years ago back when she was actually doable but only if Lyle was not as stylin and ruggedly good looking as he is and instead of being burdened with that musical talent crap, if he was simply known as the guy who is oncall to service the hotdog warmer during the night shift at the local AM/PM and in addition was ... I hate to even say it... a scandi. That kind of out of my league, and in case it was not clear, I am playing the part of Lyle. Now I am not saying I am a total loser, for example I have never once played D&D or World of Warcraft, I am not that much of a fucking loser but then again I have this site saved on my favorites list under "news". That was not a joke. Now I am not saying this lady is the best looking female I have ever dated, as God is my witness, I am saying she is the best looking female I have ever spoken to. I shit you not. Now let me go through a quick comparison between her and the not soon enough to be ex, she is 4 years younger, taller, a good 40 pounds lighter, makes more money, smarter, less liberal, wait, that was redundant, less likely to buy a new vehicle with my money without letting me know in advance and appears to want to actually hang out and do things with me. Now I know this sounds like a tough call... but... did I mention she also has an incredibly banging hot body?

So anywho, I remembered the post and decided I needed to find the damn thing and re read it. Yea, good luck finding it using Google and searching on the words pussy, homo and ace. You do not want to go there. Well needless to say, that plan didn't work out so well. So I had to review the archives but I could not remember when it was posted so I started looking through from the posts starting in early November. Bad guess. In case it was not clear to anyone, Juan McAmnesty, not so good on the immigration issue. So I finally find the damn thing, read it, read it again and eventually, the nut sack enlarges to the point where I am capable of having a regular conversation with this lady. And one day I asked her out to dinner "Still, never hurts to ask" as he said and Good God Almighty she said yes. We sat and talked at that restaurant for like an hour but somehow during that dinner some unexplained phenomenon managed to shift time and space ahead an additional 3 hours. It also must have clouded her judgement because at the end of the evening, she agreed to go out on a second date. And then just the other day, we had a second, second date. The only way I can explain this is she must be on some sort of experimental medication, there is no other possible logical explanation. All I know is I am sure as hell going to enjoy this while it lasts.

So now I ask 2 favors of you my fellow moron... one, if you are a dad and you have a son, let him read that post. Ok, you may want to edit out the word fuck and various forms of the word pussy but at least edit it in a way it still gets the point across. Unless of course, you are a homo. You are not a homo now are you? And second, try clicking on that donate link up there in the top left of the screen and kick Ace a couple of bucks. How many times over the course of however long that you have not had a life have you come here and left the site glad you stopped by... well ok... then just think of it as insurance against a dead hobo ending up on your front porch.

Now I know some of you are having a hard time relating to this since you have never been with a real live adult female not named mom and you know who you are {cough} {cough} JackM, LauraW, Tom {cough} {cough} I got to tell ya, I highly recommend it. They are soft and they smell good and have curves in just the right places.. just a second... I will be right back... no, no, wait...what was I thinking, that reminds me.

For Sale, one bunk, slightly used.

digg this
posted by xgenghisx at 12:00 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
ShainS -- I heard that James Carville is a Scientologist as well as Pederast [/b][/i][/s][/u] : "BREAKING: Manslaughter charge against Daniel Penny ..."

Tom Servo: "HA has a fun article up - Ding, Dong, the Krugman' ..."

Cheri: "Where were the Capitol police when the tranny brig ..."

Sebastian Melmoth: "Dave Attell's bit on fireworks is hilarious. He s ..."

Scuba_Dude: "On the golf course, any tree is my bathroom. :-) ..."

[/i][/i][/b][/b]Christopher R Taylor[/i][/i][/b][/b]: "[i]When I saw the double masked juror in the Danie ..."

Nova Local: "285 The jury is not sequestered for the weekend? W ..."

Miklos, Esq. did not pass this particular bar: " Something … something … law … f ..."

lin-duh of the garbage clan: "There is a big potted plant outside my office door ..."

wth: "It's all fun and games until it's Sloppy Joe day i ..."

Harvey Weistein: ">>There is a big potted plant outside my office do ..."

FeatherBlade: "[i]they upgraded it to floor drains along the peri ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64