Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.

...

Hilton promised to improve her bad-girl image after she completed a jail term in June for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

She announced plans to do charity work in Rwanda, but the trip was postponed until next year.

I know it takes three miracles to grant sainthood, but we can count the Miracle off the Invisible Panties as one, right? And also getting away with dropping the word "Nigger" on videotape has got to be Miracle Two.

This article reads like a joke, but I'm seeing it on Breitbart's feed. Read the following two sentences and tell me I'm not being punked:

"As part of her global elephant campaign, Hilton should, in fact, think of visiting this region literally infested with elephants," Goswami said.

"Infested with elephants?" I'm imagining an exterminator coming to my house, knocking on some joists, taking some measurements, and noticing a seventy-five pound slab of elephant feces in a corner and then telling me, "Buddy... I think you've got elephants."

Okay, how about this one:

Another conservationist said elephant alcohol abuse was just a symptom of the real problem.

And that real problem, of course, is Clinical Elephant Depression.

Not to make a problem sound easily solved, but... can these people just, like, lock up their liquor so that elephants don't drink it? Am I the first to suggest this?

I realize it's never worked with Ted Kennedy, but then, like otters and baboons, he has a primitive tool-using capability.