Sponsored Content

Intermarkets' Privacy Policy

Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!

Recent Entries
Absent Friends
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

Behold, The Duck | Main | Witness For The Defense: Baby Garret
July 13, 2007

A Reader Rebuts The Seattle P-I's Claim of Beckhamania

But, but, dude! It was in the newspaper!

Trimegitus just doesn't seem to be jumping on the Becks Bandwagon like I have:

As to "Beckhamania" -- that'll have to wait until Americans can give a crap about soccer. Which will be approximately 45 years after the heat death of the Universe. Americans don't like soccer because soccer is a pathetic excuse for a sport.

First of all, it's too low-scoring. Who the hell wants to go to a game where half the games are 1-0 or 2-1 at the end? Americans, who can count in double digits even when drunk, prefer games which challenge their numerical powers. We like football, which typically has scores in the teens and twenties, or basketball, with scores in the same range as the Federal deficit. Even baseball can generally crack the 5-point barrier.

Second, it's, how shall I put it, a game for pussies. Maybe that's why women's soccer is better regarded here. Looking at soccer uniforms it's obvious that this is a game in which injury is not even a theoretical possibility. The only protective gear is shin guards, and occasionally knee pads. Those are used to keep from getting chafed when you fall to the ground and roll around in agony pretending to be hurt until the ref awards a penalty. At which point you bounce right up and resume play. Even basketball players are more physically aggressive than soccer players.

Third, it is a game for children. That's what it was invented for: to give English schoolboys something to do between being flogged and sodomized at boarding school. That's why it's played in short pants.

That's why children in America take to soccer, and look adorable out on the field in their little shorts, running from end to end, kicking futilely at the ball, and pretending to be hurt. But American kids grow older, enter puberty, and put away childish things. They take up grown-up sports like football, baseball, beach volleyball, or (if lesbian) field hockey.

Fourth, it is generally played by foreign people. In this country we prefer games invented here. Also, foreigners turn every god-damned sporting event into some kind of geopolitical shadow play like the Olympics.

Fifth, it is impossible to start a new professional sports league in America because all the good names are either taken already or declared off-limits by liberal morons. We already have expansion teams in baseball and football with erection-shrivellingly generic names and logos (Heat? Panthers?). The days when sports teams had locally-significant names and beloved nicknames is already fading, and soccer teams get saddled with names so boring they can't even be insulted. This is because the owners know the team won't attract a following and will be moved to some other city of suckers, so they don't dare tie themselves to a particular place.

Sixth, as I believe I mentioned, it is played by foreign people.

Seventh, it is a staggeringly unsexy game. Baseball and football players wear tight uniforms (for the ladies) and have cheerleaders. Basketball uniforms reveal lots of skin. Take your girl to the game and even if she's bored all those muscles and tight buns on the field will make for a fun post-game wrapup if you know what I mean. Soccer players wear baggy shirts and baggy shorts, and tend to have hairy, skinny legs. Women soccer players have better legs, but it's notable that Brandy Chastain had to tear off her shirt to get anyone to give a damn about her team winning a game.

Therefore, soccer is an inferior sport, unsuited to American tastes and talents, and will never become a major subject of interest here. Which means that unless he can talk his wife into trying out that diamond dildo and then "accidentally" posts it on YouTube, nobody's going to know or care who David Beckham is.

I know many foreign people will now complain that I don't understand how great their sport is. They are wrong, and moreover they are foreign people.

digg this
posted by Ace at 08:05 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
Divide by Zero [/i]: " They put so much salt in chicken soup it has a n ..."

Misanthropic Humanitarian Who Lives In The Frozen Tundra : "4 I sometimes wake up grumpy. But I usually jus ..."

Jonah: "295. Thanks Tom. As long as GOP keeps trying to pl ..."

Rufus T. Firefly: "The latest claim is that he was "stealing" from hi ..."

Itinerant Alley Butcher: "But first, off to BassPro to pick up some HS-6 for ..."

Tom Servo: "If I was Musk, I would set up and promote a specia ..."

Count de Monet: "Willowed: A long-term canned food storage anecd ..."

Itinerant Alley Butcher: "BOY needs. ..."

Wolfus Aurelius, Dreaming of Elsewhere [/i] [/b]: "[i]Wolfus, you might check to see if they have an ..."

Don Black: ">What they thought they could get out of making hi ..."

celebrate: "I constantly emailed thiѕ website post pa ..."

Itinerant Alley Butcher: "One more item and I am done with Christmas shoppin ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64