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July 13, 2007

A Reader Rebuts The Seattle P-I's Claim of Beckhamania

But, but, dude! It was in the newspaper!

Trimegitus just doesn't seem to be jumping on the Becks Bandwagon like I have:

As to "Beckhamania" -- that'll have to wait until Americans can give a crap about soccer. Which will be approximately 45 years after the heat death of the Universe. Americans don't like soccer because soccer is a pathetic excuse for a sport.

First of all, it's too low-scoring. Who the hell wants to go to a game where half the games are 1-0 or 2-1 at the end? Americans, who can count in double digits even when drunk, prefer games which challenge their numerical powers. We like football, which typically has scores in the teens and twenties, or basketball, with scores in the same range as the Federal deficit. Even baseball can generally crack the 5-point barrier.

Second, it's, how shall I put it, a game for pussies. Maybe that's why women's soccer is better regarded here. Looking at soccer uniforms it's obvious that this is a game in which injury is not even a theoretical possibility. The only protective gear is shin guards, and occasionally knee pads. Those are used to keep from getting chafed when you fall to the ground and roll around in agony pretending to be hurt until the ref awards a penalty. At which point you bounce right up and resume play. Even basketball players are more physically aggressive than soccer players.

Third, it is a game for children. That's what it was invented for: to give English schoolboys something to do between being flogged and sodomized at boarding school. That's why it's played in short pants.

That's why children in America take to soccer, and look adorable out on the field in their little shorts, running from end to end, kicking futilely at the ball, and pretending to be hurt. But American kids grow older, enter puberty, and put away childish things. They take up grown-up sports like football, baseball, beach volleyball, or (if lesbian) field hockey.

Fourth, it is generally played by foreign people. In this country we prefer games invented here. Also, foreigners turn every god-damned sporting event into some kind of geopolitical shadow play like the Olympics.

Fifth, it is impossible to start a new professional sports league in America because all the good names are either taken already or declared off-limits by liberal morons. We already have expansion teams in baseball and football with erection-shrivellingly generic names and logos (Heat? Panthers?). The days when sports teams had locally-significant names and beloved nicknames is already fading, and soccer teams get saddled with names so boring they can't even be insulted. This is because the owners know the team won't attract a following and will be moved to some other city of suckers, so they don't dare tie themselves to a particular place.

Sixth, as I believe I mentioned, it is played by foreign people.

Seventh, it is a staggeringly unsexy game. Baseball and football players wear tight uniforms (for the ladies) and have cheerleaders. Basketball uniforms reveal lots of skin. Take your girl to the game and even if she's bored all those muscles and tight buns on the field will make for a fun post-game wrapup if you know what I mean. Soccer players wear baggy shirts and baggy shorts, and tend to have hairy, skinny legs. Women soccer players have better legs, but it's notable that Brandy Chastain had to tear off her shirt to get anyone to give a damn about her team winning a game.

Therefore, soccer is an inferior sport, unsuited to American tastes and talents, and will never become a major subject of interest here. Which means that unless he can talk his wife into trying out that diamond dildo and then "accidentally" posts it on YouTube, nobody's going to know or care who David Beckham is.

I know many foreign people will now complain that I don't understand how great their sport is. They are wrong, and moreover they are foreign people.

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posted by Ace at 08:05 PM

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