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June 20, 2007

Pandagon: The Straw That Stirs The Blogosphere, With Stupidity

John Edwards' former official blogmistress. She finds the angles -- the stupid, kneejerk, moronic angles -- that transform otherwise unbloggable stories into comedy gold.

Dave From Texas gamely tried to make the Ponytail Bandit story interesting. Semi-cute chick, robbing banks. Eh. So-so story. He did what he could.

What he was missing was the willingness to stamp any fairly-trivial story with the Metanarrative Cookie-Cutter. Pandagon soars where all but the stupidest angels fear to tread. A kinda dumb throw-away story about a college-aged pony-tailed small-potatoes bank-robber becomes, in Marcotte's co-blogger "Auguste's" deft daft hands, a powerful story of female empowerment and male oppression:

Feminism says: Women can handle crime sprees all by themselves, thank you

...The FBI believes that the “ponytail bandit” must have an accomplice, because she’s a woman, and women can’t handle this kind of thing.

When will The Oppressive Patriarchy finally acknowlege that women are as capable of shit-for-brains petty criminality as men are?!?!

In another story I didn't really care about, Fox and CBS rejected an ad for Trojans condoms. Allah gave a, dare I say, nuanced analysis of the ad and the decision to reject it, which utterly lacked the most important part of a blog post: kneejerk unhinged full-on ballsucking hackitude.

But Marcotte's brave enough to go for the jugular of hackdom:

...the issue with this ad is that Fox and CBS rejected the ad and not because it peddles in the same stereotypes that their programming uses. No, they took issue with advertising condoms as being used for what they are used for.

...

Translation: We can accept advertising of sexual devices if they are advertised as benefiting men. But if they insinuate something as crazy as the concept that men should respect women’s bodies, health, and choices, then they’re way out of line.

Huh! Who knew that all the other condom ads were "advertised as benefiting men" alone, whereas this one ad showed the condom as actually benefiting women! (Despite, you know, the main thrust of the ad is "Pick up a pack of condoms and that chick just might give up the nookie after all" -- which, you know, seems to me to be advertising condoms as "benefiting men.")

The journalists who write about most bloggers being childish, callow, shallow, navel-gazing barely-educated foaming-at-the-mouths lunatic sub-amatuers do, I concede, have something of a point.

Dave, Allah: You see where you guys went wrong now? You see the right way to frame small-potatoes stories now? Do you now understand that every story, no matter how trivial or how resistant to a bumper-sticker political overlay, can -- nay, must -- be forced into a dogma-reinforcing metanarrative?

Go and do likewise, gentlemen. I'd wish you luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it.


Rewrite: Here's the way to do it.

"Ponytail Bandit"/Vagina Warrior Robs Banks

She has all that time off from the Clinton/Demoncrat Family Medical Leave Act and needs all that money for her forty-three abortions per month, so what do you think this diseased whore is going to do between welfare checks?

12 million illegal immigrants? That's small-time. How the fuck did we let these 160 million genital criminals become citizens? They're taking away jobs from us, good blue-collar penis-person jobs, like penny-ante bank robbery!

Did John F'n' McCain have something to do with this? I bet ya he did.

See? Now it's punchy.


CBS, FoxNew Reject Disgusting Ad Potraying Men As Pigs

In yet another sign of how our culture denigrates men, Trojan ads actually takes the next logical step and shows men as actual pigs bowing to the feet of a supposedly-superior she-sorceror Circe. I haven't been this angry since I read The Tempest in eleventh grade! Well, okay, I never actually read the play, but Circe was statted up as a 14th-level magic-user character in an old Dragon issue, and it sure the hell pissed me off when I read that! Close enough!

Ha-ha charade we men are, I guess! Fuck you, Trojan! FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!111!!!!

It's just not a story without racial or sexual greivance politics, y'see.

They're all out to get us. Any post that doesn't push that central narrative is just plain boring, idiots.


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posted by Ace at 10:34 PM

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