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May 15, 2007

Geniuses Work Dilligently To Off Themselves In Inventive and Exciting Ways

Guy discharges live rounds with a vise, a screwdriver, and a hammer. What could possibly go wrong?

First of all, the why: A company pays the rather tiny amount of $1.70 per pound of spent casings. So this guy was shooting off bullets with a hammer to get the casings.

Question: Why didn't he just fire them from a gun? All right, let's assume he didn't have a gun, or at least not guns of each caliber he needed to fire the ammo. Couldn't he have used pliers to pull out the round first, then attempted to detonate the powder? Still dangerous, but at least there's not a lead projectile flying out.


-- A man was hospitalized Saturday after he accidentally discharged a round of ammunition into his abdomen using a screwdriver and a hammer, police said.

The Warren County Sheriff's Office was called to 2073 Call St. at 5:05 p.m. Saturday, where they determined that Damion M. Mosher, 18, had been discharging .223-caliber rounds by placing them in a steel vice, putting a screwdriver on the primer, and striking the screwdriver with a hammer, police said.

The round went about a half-inch into his abdomen, police said. Mosher was treated at Glens Falls Hospital and was released, police said.

No charges were filed in the case.

It's very hard to prove aggravated stupidity.

Cleveland said he recalled a similar case years ago where a man in West Glens Falls who kept a .22-caliber round in the brim of his hat discharged the round when trying to swat a bug with the hat. The slug grazed his head and slightly injured him.

Talk about using a howitzer to kill a mosquito.

Then there's this guy -- jumping 29 feet into a kiddie pool.

He's a bit smarter about it. Popular Science notes his form helps break his fall, as does a bit of cushioning at the bottom of the pool.

And this guy chose not to kill himself, but rather destroy his life.

There was soft music playing in the loft when the 17-year-old track athlete arrived at her coach's home after school.

Tom Porras, 49, a former professional football player and substitute teacher and track coach at Saguaro High School, had asked the girl to come to his house to watch videos of other athletes doing the long jump.

He also asked if he could give her an "athletic massage."


According to a Maricopa County Superior Court document, the student told police that she trusted Porras, her track coach, and believed that going to his home would make her "a better athlete."


He fondled her buttocks beneath her bathing suit.

Porras kissed her neck, cheeks and buttocks, and told her that if she had questions about sex, he would answer them.

She declined.


She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. He told her it was massage oil.

Look, I don't care who you are, that right there is just plain hot.

(Um: Lefty blogs note: irony, black humor. You know, all the stuff you give yourselves passes on for employing.)

She became alarmed only after he'd ejaculated on her? I'd say that her danger sense kicked in a bit too late; I think I'd have been worried when he was fondling my buttocks while beating himself off like a priapic gibbon hopped up on meth and Mexican knock-off Viagra.

You can't put the toothpaste back into the tube, alas.

As she was leaving his house, her coach had one last piece of advice for her.

If she saw his son outside, she should tell him they were just "watching sports videos."

Such as ESPN's popular documentary, The NFL's Twenty Greatest Surreptitious Ejaculations On To An Underage Girl. They're still talking about Brett Favre 1997 twenty-five-foot from-across-the-room rebounding-off-a-Hummel-gnome stealth ejaculation on to 19 year old psychology major Stella McGinty. That's what makes him great -- it may be sloppy, it may be ugly, but he always finds a way to "deliver the package" in a clutch situation.

Also fun to watch is Garo Yapremian's infamous "wounded duck," in which he attempted to covertly ejaculate on to a Dolphin cheerleader but wound up parking a warm one on Jim Brown's earlobe.

He was never seen or heard from again.

Thanks to Sinistar, Karol, Instapundit, and Blacksheep.

No dri links were harmed in this post.

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posted by Ace at 05:27 PM

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