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March 01, 2007

A Line In The Sand At Ace of Spades

So, Dean Esmay is getting a lot more traffic than usual in his normal fashion. Usually he's a preening horse's ass, but every once in a while he feels he's not getting all the attention he deserves, and he cranks the preening horse's ass act up to 11.

But a couple of days ago he scratched the numbers off the amp and re-wrote them so they go up to 12. 12! Answering the age-old question, "What do you do when you've got your nitwit jagoff amps turned up all the way to eleven, but you just need a little more kick?"

Well, you announce a new "litmus test" for all of your cobloggers, telling them, basically, it is now off-limits to criticize our friends the Muslims at all, a diktat which seems like it applies to comments as well.

And not only do two of your cobloggers leave, your own wife, an inactive coblogger, decides she can no longer live under your Mr. Bossyblog rules anymore either. (I mean, she leaves the blog, not Esmay.)

Why am I posting this? I haven't linked Dean Esmay more than once or twice in my life, after all.

No, I'm posting it because, well, if you think I'm a preening prick, well! Get a load of this douche-tool!

But I sort of also want this sort of spike in traffic Dean gets to his somewhat irrelevant blog by just acting like a cockmonkey every month. Or more like... every twenty eight days. Usually lasting for three or four days. That sort of cycle.

So, I hereby am enacting my own litmus test. All cobloggers and commenters and, frankly, even emailers are required to obey these rules forthwith or be banned forevermore.

1. You jerkoffs will no longer call me a homo. It is imperative in a pluralistic, liberal society that all men of goodwill respect my right to not be called a homo in every other friggin' thread.

My mom reads this blog, you fucking retards. Every month she calls me up and asks me when she's going to get to meet my "life partner." I'm sick of her asking me if I'm "being safe" when I go out "clubbing," if I've found any "adorable endtables" when I go out "'tiquing," and if I'm "bobbling the boy-beans" when I'm "sucking cock."

Seriously. The woman is already worried sick about my rather bizarre career choices. Are you trying to give her a heart attack?

You may, however, continue calling Bart gay as much as possible. You can also call Allah a homo. You can put them together in whatever preverted fantasies you like, just leave my ass out of it.

2. JackM. may no longer write poetry of any sort in honor of Mary Katherine Ham, or whatever other slice of tasty blogcake he's hungry for this week.

Actually, this isn't my rule. It's a court order. Mary Katherine slapped me with a TRO last week.

JackM, you have to learn there's a thin line between "grand romantic gesture" and "aggravated stalking."

3. Rightwingsparkle is no longer permitted to give John McCain hand-love in more than one thread per week.

As always, this rule is subject to the exception, "unless she's brought enough for the whole class."

4. This one's pretty important: No one can ever fucking tell me "It's fucking Old" ever fucking again.

Only exception? When I post a "new article" about "news" that happens to be from January of last year.

5. All further spelling and factual corrections shall come discretely via a polite email, and there shall be no public mocking of my stupidity.

Anyone who violates this rule will not be banned, but will, however, be required to post under the handle "Professor Persnickety McPedantfairy" for a full month.


6. WickedPinto must give a CONTENT WARNING announcing "I'm about to get seriously weird here, guys" before launching into one of his six thousand word opuses on banging Okinawan whores while simultaneously installing an air-ram on his 1964 Chevy Chevelle.

7. LauraW: Enough with the cats already.

Oh, I'm sure you thought you were helping me build brand-identity by sticking your stupid kitten posts right under my Ace of Spades logo. Because that's really the image I'm going for. "Oh, Ace of Spades? I think it's about politics and sex. And also adorable tabbies, I'm pretty sure."

Seriously, thanks so much for your efforts in this regard, but I think you've done quite enough.


8. Lastly: To make up for the banning of the terms "dhimmitude" and "taq'iya" at Dean's World, all commenters are required to work them into at least one (1) comment per day.


I apologize if these guidelines seem heavy-handed, but I'm afraid I must follow the example of William F. Buckley, who stormed into the offices of the National Review one day and laid down the law to his fellow writers: "Stop calling me a fancyboy!"

Is this a litmus test of ideological purity? Why yes. Yes it is.

PS, Dean?

You beclowned yourself with this whole jagoff jihad.

But we'll have to invent a new term to describe the hyperdimensional lunacy of comparing yourself to William F. Buckley.

One difference, just for starters: I'm pretty sure William F. Buckley knows how to correctly spell "inherent," and would probably not keep spelling the word incorrectly as "inherant" as he repeatedly cited it (in quotes, no less) as a key term in his new diktat.

Are you on the crack, Son?

Maybe it would be best if you tried it.

Oh: Via HotAir, which also notes Andrew Sullivan's discovery of a new Gospel in which Jesus commands, "Judge not terrorists such as Jose Padilla, lest ye be judged unfit to attend Madonna-concert after-parties."

WWWFBW? (What Would William F. Buckley Write?): From Dean's Super Happy Fun Blog:

If you cannot accept, wholeheartedly, all of the above 5 assertions--without exception or weasel-wording--then if you are a front page Dean's World contributor you should turn in your keys and say goodbye. You can do it gracefully or ingracefully.

"Ingracefully"? That's a rather nonfluiditudinous word, isn't it?

I might misspell words, but when I do, at least I'm actually trying to write actual words.

You morons keep that in mind the next time you want to point fingers and jump around like a bunch of circus monkeys.


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posted by Ace at 01:18 AM

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