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February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day From India!

Of course the Muslims are chanting "Death to Valentine's Day!" -- "Death to" is kind of their "gezundheit" -- but the Hindus ain't lovin' it either.

Quite frankly, I don't have a lot of outrage about this.

Everyone hates this holiday. Couples hate the holiday because of the pressures it brings to suddenly "be romantic." Singles hate this holiday because it reminds them they're alone. Liberals hate this holiday as cheesy ersatz corporate invention; conservatives hate it as a phony corporate celebration of hedonism over real, lasting love.

Straights hate it for its overtones as a gay-camp ironic spoof of romance, whereas gays hate it as an exclusionary affirmation of heterosexual love.

Christians hate it as promoting pomiscuity, atheists hate it as venerating a minor Catholic saint, and Hindus and Muslims hate it for spreading Christian idolatry and atheistic materialism.

Hey -- I've got a crazy idea. Maybe we're all right about this one.

Not a goddamned person in the world likes this holiday, except of course for the frigging feminists, who celebrate today as Pooter Emancipation Day.

Suggestion: Given that St. Valentined died a macabre death-by-fire, let's just all agree that we'll keep the holiday, but it will now be a wintertime Halloween, but only a more kick-ass version. Only macabre, scary costumes are allowed, no celebrites, no superheroes, no fairy princesses or that other gay shit.

We could call it, oh, Halloween II. We just need to buy the rights from John Carpenter.

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posted by Ace at 11:26 PM

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